{waiting watching wishing}
Saturday, December 30, 2006
{must've been the sickness talking}

who on earth wrote the previous blog entries?! oops. must've been me. hehe. in my defense, i can only say i was literally sick during christmas. and a sick arianne is not a happy nor positive arianne. but now i'm healthy (albeit still phlegm-y...ewww gross!) and happy once again. why let certain people and events ruin your holiday season? i mean it's the people who do something bad or something bad that happens beyond your control so why should YOU feel bad about it, right? i figured that just because people are not necessarily always nice you have to NOT be nice, too nor should you let fortuitous events get you down.

moving on, i absolutely cannot wait til 2007! i know it's going to be haggard like anything but i'm quite optimistic about it. it's going to be a good year. i can feel it in my bones. i'm going to start taking muay thai again. and continue italian. and learn how to ballroom dance. and read all the books i've bought but haven't had the time to read. and learn AND do a zillion other things. i figured that the reason why i was down because of law was because i felt somewhat bored and restricted. then i realized that that i could actually study law AND do all these things i've been wanting to do. just have too up my multi-tasking skills. hehehe. and i'm at least going to ATTEMPT to indefinitely eliminate my procrastinating expertise.

though i can't believe how fast christmas break progressed. i was only home for christmas day, i think. the rest of the time was spent with friends and family. i cannot begin to stress how grateful i am for both my friends and family. despite my brattiness, craziness and inherent weirdness, they've put up with me and for that i really am thankful. i can't explain why but one morning during simbang gabi, it just struck me. i think it was because i was worried i couldn't seem to feel His presence in my life. then the thought just came that He is with me via my friends and family. it was His way of reminding me, i think.

some thought-provoking passages i read from St. Jose Maria Escriva's The Way:
596. Don't feel hurt when others see your faults. What should really distress you is the offense against God and the scandal you may give.
Apart from that, may you be known for what you are and despised. Don't be sorry if you have nothing because then Jesus will have to put everything into you.

359. Add a supernatural motive to your ordinary professional work and you will have sanctified it.

one last thing. can i just share? i hung out in the fort with my blockmate emma yesterday. it was the first time i ever finished a cocktail in my entire life. what happened next was not at all pretty. i literally heated up, my face got flushed, my eyes got red and watery, i had difficulty breathing, got a throbbing headache, and i later on found out that my back broke out into rashes. i've always had a weird reaction to alcohol but because that was probably the most alcohol i've ever had in my life, the side effects were magnified. i knew there was a reason why i stick to non-alcoholic beverages. anyway, i googled the drink i had (limon caipiroska). turns out it contains vodka, triple sec, lime wedges, sugar and lime juice. from now on, i stay away from the aforementioned. dangerous stuff although it did seem innocuous when i first took a sip. hehehe! :)

Posted by arianne at 8:44 PM

Sunday, December 24, 2006
{last rant for the holiday season}

[last na ito for now, i promise. read at your own risk]

some people think i'm quite naïve, too trusting, and the list goes on. i generally just try to see the best in people, to believe that everyone is generally good without any hidden motivations. but lately, i've been proven wrong and i'm scared that i will someday lose my faith in people. i mean hear you are trying to be nice and treating people the way you wish to be treated but then they go and become all user-ish and take advantage of your kindness and generosity. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

and is it even fair that we're enjoying the holiday season while so many people are out on the streets suffering? it hardly seems so. but at the same time you feel powerless to do anything.

Kamusta naman yan?!

ok maybe i'm just annoyed because something i own is missing and i'm afraid someone took it. i'm just so tired of trying to ALWAYS look for the proverbial silver lining like when my wallet got stolen, i prayed that whoever took it needed it and its contents more than i did. same goes for my missing thing. but then wait. why do i have to be understanding? need doesn't justify stealing. they could've just asked! i'm so tired of always trying to be understanding. it's a STRUGGLE. a tiring struggle at that.

i'm sick of people taking advantage of me because i'm "too nice" (in fact, i don't even think i am!!) or too patient or too whatever. i'm sick and tired of being the ever-dependable door mat/push-over. and then when i get snappish because i'm tired of being viewed as the aforementioned i feel guilty. i'm tired of feeling guilty. i'm just plain tired, i guess.

i need a reason to believe in humanity once again. i need to be proven wrong. BADLY.

Posted by arianne at 2:18 PM

Friday, December 22, 2006

this december was not at all like i had hoped it would be. as per usual i was on perpetual headless chicken mode running from one meeting/event/dinner/party/reunion to another. today was my only free day in a very long time, in fact. usually, i thrive on the busy-ness of it all. i actually feel a sense of security because doing a million and one things is what i am used to and anything different would make me feel unproductive, bored, and lazy (as though i wasn't lazy enough to begin with.hehe!). and usually, december just makes me feel extraordinarily giddy what with the impending holiday season (not to mention christmas break!) yet this year, everything was just plain off. i found myself feeling depressed during the first few weeks of december for no reason yet a myriad of reasons (haha, ang labo). let's just say i was constantly doubting both myself and my decision to go into law school. believe you me, self-doubt is the most dangerous thing to one's sanity and self-esteem. thank goodness nalang for friends and blockmates (i love block C!) who are there to listen to me rant and rave about my life no matter how boring or shallow my rants are.

i was actually quite happy and ecstatic during the last week of class because of cancelled classes and the like. come to think of it, i actually started my vacation early. i guess i was just so tired of studying and worrying that during the last few days of class this month, i actually had the gall to come to class unprepared (ok, maybe i did read what i had to read...but i still wasn't prepared) with the mindset that i wouldn't get called on (and guess what?! i wasn't called on...hehehe). but then stress came pouring in because of reasons i won't bother mentioning since i would much rather forget the sources of stress and i was back to square one once again. to think i had begun to feel all christmas-y and giddy as early as september or october. bah humbug. :( plus i'm now sick, sore throat-y and sniffly as a result of one too many get-togethers/videoke sessions (hehe). definitely not one happy camper. :(

to top things off, lantern parade this year was cancelled. they might as well have cancelled christmas. :( granted there was a so-called security risk but then come to think of it, it IS UP. security is a problem the whole year round. besides, the last time the lantern parade was cancelled was during the martial law days. it was for me one of the oddest lantern parade days ever. it started out pretty happy (i love the atmosphere in up during december sans the heat of course) but then we got the news that the lantern parade was cancelled. plus the BOR meeting to discuss the TFI was moved to Malcolm hall. i had a lot of reservations regarding that BOR meeting to begin with. it seemed to me an unwise move to hold the BOR meeting on such a controversial issue on the day of the lantern parade. the situation wasn't at all mitigated when those strongly opposing TFI got wind of the changed venue of the meeting. they had to barricade malcolm hall where preparations for malcolm madness were underway. but somehow, those opposing tfi managed to get in (after the members of the BOR had already left). it was a surreal experience. they rallied inside malcolm hall. entered the theater probably thinking the BOR members were there. accused students of "hiding" the Regents. and the list goes on. many people were shocked. i wasn't one of them. after being in up for more than four years and being active in campus politics, i have to say nothing shocks me anymore. but i sure was disappointed. at the student regent for not attending the meeting [granted the change in venue WAS last minute and the other members were in support of the proposed TFI, he as our SOLE student representative should've been there to air his (supposedly the students') side]. the admin for not at all handling the entire situation properly. those who stormed malcolm hall for obvious reasons.

while i recognize the merits of the tuition fee increase/adjustment, i am quite wary about the proposal and implementing mechanism. i think the admin rushed the decision and the TFA/I as is leaves much to be desired. but more on that next time.

Posted by arianne at 1:54 PM

Thursday, December 14, 2006
{way past tired}

i think i've taken the concept of pagod to an entirely different level. last week was just crazy in terms of the number of meetings i had to attend either simultaneously or one after the other. my weekend wasn't any better. on friday, i attended the ASEAN People's Assembly in the morning then zoomed off to UP after lunch to catch the colloquium on the Constituent Assembly. Then attended an org GA and heard mass. Then i rushed home to get ready because an old friend of mine invited me to his friend's event in Temple Bar. I was already half-dead during the conference because i slept really late the night before. Come to think of it, i was low batt the entire day. During mass, i caught myself drifting off and thinking about just how tired i was (am..hehe). Even when i was with my friend and his friends, i felt like i was there but not quite there. I think i pretty much resembled a zombie. haha. Saturday was haggard as well. Had to go to the supermarket in the morning to order goods for the outreach project for the non-teaching personnel in Law then headed over to East Avenue Medical Center for the Christmas party of the Women's Crisis Center then headed home then to school for an org Christmas party then headed to Greenbelt for a dinner with other ASEF alumni then headed to the Fort for a party. Halfway through the evening i already felt like a dead frog. In all fairness I got a fairly decent night's rest if not for the fact that i was stressing over not having studied the entire weekend (talk about pasaway). Spent the whole Sunday (well, Sunday afternoon) cramming studying for my Monday classes. Thankfully, i wasn't called on PLUS things started looking up because our class on wednesday afternoon was cancelled. i've been quite happy since then. (and happily stuffing my face non-stop with food.hehe!). can't wait til this week is over. i'm beyond exhausted, i think. and i can't help but think of my many wasted opportunities to enjoy/think/etc. had i not been so tired lately. hay. :( anyhow, i'll formulate a more coherent blog entry soon. just thought i'd update. :)

Posted by arianne at 1:34 AM

Saturday, December 02, 2006
{too much free time is dangerous}

i planned this weekend around one activity: studying. really. after all, i DID promise myself in the beginning of this semester that i would turn into the nerd i never was. But no. These past few days, i couldn't bear to do anything law-related or be reminded of my miserable non-existence as a law student.

per my thursday blog entry, i happily enjoyed the life of a hermit. then yesterday, i went bowling with a friend in the afternoon. bowling is actually quite fun. when you're winning that is. oops. i wasn't winning pala. he was just being nice and graciously allowed me an automatic 50-point lead to compensate for my pathetic bowling skills, or lack thereof. hahaha. then in the evening, i met up in metrowalk with a couple of friends from high school. we basically pigged out the whole night (oops, i think i was the only one pigging out...hahaha) over persian food (the place we went to was so NOT worth it, i'm sorry), ice cream, chocolate, and popcorn. after metrowalk, we headed to sidebar cafe in el pueblo where i watched them drink these interesting-looking concoctions which in my personal opinion would taste MUCH better sans the alcohol (hey, it's my personal opinion...hehe). then we headed to mica's house and watched this thai horror flick entitled shutter. i think i probably woke up her neighbors with all my screaming because even before we started to watch the movie, her hyper pet dog started chasing after me and pouncing on me. in retrospect, it was actually quite funny since i was so freaked out and my friends were just doubled up on the floor laughing their heads off (gee thanks, guys..hehe). what probably made it funnier was the fact that they were trying to calm both me and the dog down ("marley, calm down. arianne, calm down.") not one of my finest moments, i tell you. but despite that, it was a pretty enjoyable evening.

made me realize how much i miss college. and high school, even. and made me think about what my life would be like if i actually were NOT studying law in the "grand manner." i could actually have more time to study languages. continue muay thai. learn to play an instrument. save the world. or at least change it. but no. i feel like i'm not moving forward and i'm more a liability than i am an asset. it didn't help that the message of this morning's talk i attended in tanglaw pretty much was this: change the world (of course it was more eloquently articulated). it just made me feel gray and old and useless. and kind of sad, even. and believe you me, i hate feeling sad. :( and to make matters worse, i think i am spreading my negativity to those whom i interact with. not only to those whom i see face-to-face but also to those whom i talk with over ym.

on the bright side, advent started today. plus it's 23 days til christmas (woohoo!). nothing like a little christmas cheer to help me overcome my cloudiness. hrm, maybe i should try not to get too addicted to these long weekends. too much free time is dangerous. i should be studying more. haha.

Posted by arianne at 8:25 PM

N {about me}

first year law student.kid at heart.idealist.optimist (except about myself).hopeless romantic.daydream believer.dreamer.klutz(hehe).

N {thanks}


N {blogs i check out}

{AKBAYAN Rep. Risa Hontiveros-Baraquel}
{mark arthur}

N {random}

"I don't care if I never grow up
Don't want to shrink in a suit
Don't want live just to suck someones bones dry
I'd rather die."
- Chris Trapper, Waiting Watching Wishing

adopt your own virtual pet!

N {archives}

September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
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August 2007
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N {comments}

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