disclaimer: just so it's clear, i'm condemning the act, not the actors (as i'm not too sure as to their identities anyway and even if i knew...). i'm also not anti-frat though this post may seem otherwise. there are just certain practices i feel i cannot stomach nor condone. it's just that, well, this is the last straw. and it's frustrating in so many levels. please bear with my meanness, incoherence, and not-so-latent anger. (and my grammatical/typographical errors as well. anger makes me incoherent and not-so-OC.

three local/UP issues closest to my heart, in no particular order:
1. New UP Charter (or rather the lack thereof. let's hope it will be passed this congress)
2. Codified Rules on the Student Regent Selection (particularly as regards a more proportional voting mechanism, inter alia.)
3. Fraternity-related Violence

by saying that the aforestated issues are close to my heart, i simply mean that for some reason or another i feel very strongly and passionately about these issues. The New UP Charter is self-explanatory. Our Charter as it is is obsolete, outdated, if not anachronistic. Act 1870 no longer suits the needs of our growing and changing University. The second, the CRSRS and reform in the SR selection process in general is more personal. As a political science major (and because i'm feeling mean - a rational human being), i strongly believe that the SOLE student representative in the Board of Regents, the highest policy and decision-making body in the entire UP System should be chosen in the most democratic and representative means possible. that is to say, the status quo of 2 votes for every autonomous unit and 1 for every component unit does not a democratic and representative voting mechanism make. but the first two are not what's on my mind at this particular point in time so before i digress and go on and on about them, let me move on to the third: fraternity-related violence.

of fraternity-related violence, i cannot say it hits close to home. none of my brothers nor my dad are members of any fraternity and while i have nothing against fraternities and people (i somehow can't get myself to call them men at this point, i'm sorry)who choose to join them. in fact i have a few good friends who are members of frats, i guess i just never understood why they are so enticing (well, i AM a girl for one. haha). but then, at the end of the day, it all boils down to preference. if people decide they want to join, far be it from my to impede their freedom to do so. what i just cannot and will not ever understand nor EVER condone is fraternity-related violence in whatever form, be in hazing, rumbles, and the like. it just escapes me how in the spirit of brotherhood and loyalty, people can beat each other up, sometimes at the expense of one's life and health.

i remember being a first year high school student. it was the time alex icasiano died due to hazing. i remember reading about it in newsbreak (yes, i've been a loyal follower since high school. hehe). i remember our debate trainer giving us tips during one of our matter-loading sessions to pass on to our friends/brothers studying in UP on how to avoid frats (bottomline: don't be at the wrong place at the wrong time). i remember naïvely thinking to myself that UP was some big, scary place (ironically, 9 years hence i love it to bits in spite of and despite everything). less than a year later, niño calinao got shot in AS. it was apparently a case of mistaken identity given that he was not a member of any fraternity. he was a victim of circumstance, of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. it cost him his life.

when i entered up in 2002 as the eager-beaver backpack-carrying freshie that i was, the only thing i was sure of was this: i had to steer clear of all frats no matter what. i spent a good part of my college life purposely steering clear of frats. it was quite easy as most of the time i'd rush past or altogether avoid their tambayans. also, my circle of friends was petty-much frat-free. of course later on, some frat members became my friends, i even consider some of them my friends for life. but despite my friendship with them, i would spend many a conversation fighting arguing with them about what i did not like about the frat system (such will take an entirely different and probably much longer article. haha). i even had more than my fair share of fights with friends who are members of frats because they dared go near my brother to recruit him. i distinctly remember threatening to blow the tambayan of a particular frat into smithereens once because of the aforementioned reason (my not-so-baby brother). understandably the frat member whom i threatened didn't take me seriously. those were the days...

my years as an undergrad was relatively uneventful in the sense that it seemed that what happened with icasiano served as a lesson for them all. sure there were rumbles left and right but nothing major. until my third year when a neophyte ended up in a coma in the pgh icu. thank goodness he recovered but i vividly remember the feeling of not even anger but outrage. they had been going around telling people that hazing was a thing of the past. apparently such was just lip service. i felt that what added insult to injury was that the minute the news exploded, the fraternity involved was all defensive and chose to keep mum. i mean REALLY. did they honestly expect us to believe that the neophyte somehow just tripped and fell and due to his klutziness ended up in the icu? i think not. i'm sorry, but up students are smarter than that. but as i said, he got better, thank goodness, and the issue just somehow died after that.

until around a year later when we got word that a neophyte, this time from uplb died due to, surprise surprise, hazing. a reminder that, oh, people are still stupid AND violent (stupid is bad enough. that compounded with violence is simply unforgiveable). especially as a member of the council, i had my own share of frat-related headaches. my undergrad home was Palma Hall aka AS, one of the most, if not THE MOST populated buildings on campus given that everyone irrespective of course or college had to take classes there at one point in time or another. at last count, around seven fraternities had their unofficial tambayans in that area. it was a constant source of worry for us as we would often hear of tension between and among the different frats. what would happen if a rumble did break out (in fact they sometimes did)? what if another niño calinao incident took place? thank goodness nothing of that sort happened. but the knowledge that it was possible was present. and very real.

then i moved on to law, which, apparently is considered as a "haven." notwithstanding what happened last year, i saw some truth to that description. as law students, we were (and are) oftentimes isolated from the goings-on in the rest of the campus (and sometimes the rest of the world for that matter). and for the first time in a long time, i was able to selfishly revel in blissful ignorance. but aparently such bliss couldn't last. yesterday morning i received a text message telling me yet another neophyte had died allegedly due to hazing early monday morning. at first i couldn't believe it and kept praying it was just a prank, albeit a horrible one, but after a few confirmatory text messages, i found out that it was indeed true. instead of the usual outrage, i was in a state of shock. i kept hoping that it was just a nightmake i would soon wake from, but no such luck. it's very real. chris mendez a graduating student from ncpag died yesterday morning. read about it here. so after a very very long and winded "intro," please bear with me as i rant...

HOW COULD THEY?!?! THEIR ACTIONS ARE CHARACTERIZED BY STUPIDITY TO THE NTH DEGREE. AND I'M BEING NICE! DIDN'T THEY LEARN FROM ALL THAT HAPPENED IN THE PAST? AND EVEN IF THERE WERE NO PRECEDENTS, COMMON SENSE, HUMANITY, CONSCIENCE AND INTELLIGENCE WOULD DICTATE THAT IT'S WRONG TO KILL, TO EVEN HURT SOMEONE!! WHAT MADE IT WORSE WAS THAT THEY LEFT HIM AFTER DROPPING HIM OFF IN THE HOSPITAL. AFTER PRACTICALLY KILLING HIM, THEY LEFT HIM TO DIE?!?! AND THEY CALL THEMSELVES HUMAN BEINGS? I THINK NOT. SHAME ON THEM!

i wish i could just leave them to fry in their own oil (or whatever other apt idiomatic expressions there are) but the fact of the matter is this, because of them, SOMEONE DIED. because of them, a mother lost her son. others lost a councilmate/friend/relative/etc. and it seems that up to this point in time, they've chose to keep quiet. i cannot for the life of me, no matter how i twist this around, come up with a valid justification, or any justification for that matter, for their actions.

apparently, i saw him last week. he was recently appointed as the interim NCPAG rep to the USC and was present when we invited the USC to volunteer in the UP Law Bar Operations. i don't even remember his face but i remember noticing him (if that was him) because he was seated behind most of the members. i didn't even get to talk with him. but that doesn't make what happened to him less real. it doesn't make him fungible as apparently his brods-to-be thought he was. to think these were people whom he trusted. apparently with his life. haaayyy... :(

the autopsy report was supposed to have come out today but so far i've heard no news. the admin hasn't even come out with a statement. maybe i'm hastily jumping into conclusions but putting together all pieces of the puzzle, that's the only logical conclusion i can come up with thus far. though part of me is still hoping to find out i'm wrong. but if i'm not and they go scot-free, i will have lost all faith in all things good and just, believe you me.

Labels: frat violence, local/up issues, rants

from joseph's blog

100 Truths...
1. real name - alessandra maria anna gloria o. reyes (note the acronym of my name:AMAG. what were my parents thinking?! hehe)
2. like it - i'm now ambivalent. i used to hate it.
3. single or Taken: single
4. Zodiac Sign - taurus
5. male or female - female
6. elementary- poveda
7. middle- n/a
8. high school- poveda
9. college- up diliman
10. hair color - dark brown
11. eye color - brown (sometimes turns red in pictures. i look like i have evil eyes. or rabbit eyes. hehe)
12. hair length- kind of long. i'm way overdue for a haircut
13. current worry- don't get me started... :s
14. race- filipino
15. are you a health freak - not really
16. body type- gee, i don't know. tall and big-boned?
17. do you have a crush on someone - hehehehehe! ako pa :D
18. do you like yourself - i won't answer this now. :s
19. piercings - yup, on my earlobes
20. tattoos - nope
21. righty or lefty - righty

FIRSTS-
22. first surgery- wala pa naman yata
23. first piercings - earlobes
24. first best friend - sheree
25. first award- don't remember
26. first sport- kickball (?)
27. first pet - lisa the lobster (who died after two weeks. i'm bad with pets)
28. first vacation - can't remember
29. first teacher - don't remember
30. first crush - i'd rather not say though i remember his name. hehehehe :D

THIS OR THAT-
31. orange or apple juice - orange
32. rock or rap - rock
33.country or scremo - country
34. Nsync or Backsteet boys - backstreet boys!!!
35. britney spears or christina - christina
36. night or day - night
37. sun or moon- moon
38. tv or internet - internet
39. boys or girls - boys!!! hahaha. it actually depends. most of my closest friends are girls
40. kiss or hug - hug
41. iguana or turtle - turtle
42. spider or bee - neither
43. fall or spring - spring!
44. limewire or itunes - itunes!
45. msn or aim - neither
46. soccer or baseball - neither
47. cheerleading or dance team - neither
48. laugh or cry - laugh of course!

CURRENTLY-
49. eating - pistachio nuts (yummy!)
50. drinking - nothing
51. im about to - fix the barops manual
52. listening to - swing out sister
53. singing - nothing
54. typing - this

FUTURE-
55. want kids- possibly
56. when - in the future
57. want to get married - most probably
58. when - when the time is right hehe
59. where do you wna live - anywhere. as long as we're happy together (naks! hehe)
60. how many kids - one or two
61. any names in mind- none
62. what did you wanna be when you werelittle - a doctor
63. what did you think you'd really be doing - taking up medicine. haha
64. mellow future or wild - mellow (i'm boring, sue me)
65. something you wanna do before you die- visit Angkor Wat (i promised myself i cannot die unless i've been there)
66. something you would never try - eating frogs among others
67. when do you wanna die - when i'm really old and too senile to know i'm dying

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX -
68. lips or eyes - eyes
69. hugging or kissing - i'll get back to you on that
70. shorter or taller - taller, siempre!
71. tan skinned or light - doesn't matter
72. romantic or spontaneous - romantic. or spontaneous. hehe
73. dark or light hair - dark
74. muscular or normal - hrm....
75. hook-up or relationship - relationship
76. similar to you or different - depends

HAVE YOU EVER-
78. kissed a stranger - nope
79. drank bubbles - nope
80. broken a bone - nope
81. climbed up a tree - yup
82. broken someones heart- hope not. haha
83. turned someone down - yup
84. had your heart broken - nope
85. liked a friend as more than a friend- hrm... :s

DO YOU BELIEVE IN-
86. yourself - sometimes, not lately
87. miracles - yup
88. love at first sight- yup
89. Santa Claus - used to
90. Kissing on the first date - hrm.. i'll cross the bridge when i get there

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY-
92. Is there 1 or more people you want to be with right now - hrm....
93. who is it - secret :D
94. like someone - yup

LASTS-
95. Text message - barops human resources team
96. Received call - lynnie
97. Call made - gab
98. Message on friendster - can't remember
99. Missed Call - gab
100. Person you hung out with - lynnie, christine and "father"

Labels: nothing and everything, survey

i've always likened my dad to a contented cow. i cannot think of a more apt description. though he tends to remind me of a turtle, thus i keep insisting he buy himself a bright green backpack (or maybe the turtle-designed one from samsonite. haha) and walk around wearing it just to see if people notice the resemblance. i cannot understand why after all the prodding and nagging, he still refuses. haha. :D

most of the time, pop happily stays at home tinkering with his toys AKA cameras and computers, occasionally chewing on whatever it is he can get his hands on (even if the food is spoilt, he doesn't notice. i think i inherited his strong stomach. hehehe!), watching tv, reading the latest issue of amateur photography or what not.

like a cow, he grazes, chews, ruminates.

other times, he interjects in the middle of a seemingly serious conversation and says something one can only describe as, well, CORNNY. take yesterday, for instance. we were at my tita's house for lunch since it was abuelita's birth anniversary. we were discussing the merits (and de-merits, mind you) of Pope Benedict XVI's revival of the old latin mass. predictably, my mom and aunt were excited at the prospect given that they grew up during the pre-Vatican II days (i'm NOT insinuating anything. hahaha!). while acknowledging the merits of the latin mass, i was not ready to concede to a total reversion to such (thankfully, the Pope is not espousing it, anyway) because, well, no one speaks latin anymore. no one understands latin anymore (save for a few latin legal maxims in my case) and if the Church wants to continue reaching out to the broadest audience possible, then the mass should be in a language understandable to the faithful. besides, latin, i continued, is a dead language in any case. then pop (whom i thought wasn't even listening to our conversation), in his typical manner, goes, "well, the dead people speak latin."

it was so... corny that it was actually bordering on funny.

thanks, pop for the laughs. (and if you ever read this, peace tayo, k? hehehe).

Labels: ohana means family, pop

from tricia's blog :)

RULES:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it sounds!


1. If someone says "Is this okay?" you say?
Last Night - P. Diddy.

Last night,
I couldn't even get an answer.
Tried to call,
but my pride wouldn't let me dial.
And I'm sitting here,
with this blank expression.
And the way I feel,
I wanna curl up like a child.
--> hahaha, puede... :D

2. What would best describe your personality?
Bring on the Dancing Horses - Echo and the Bunnymen

First I'm gonna make it
Then I'm gonna break it
Till it falls apart
Hating all the faking
And shaking while I'm breaking
Your brittle heart
--> what does this song say about my personality? that i'm destructive? well that's true. hahaha! :)

3. What do you like in a guy/girl?
Say it ain't so - Weezer

Say it ain't so
Your drug is a heartbreaker
Say it ain't so,
My love is a lifetaker
--> doesn't work... :s

4. How do you feel today?
What are you Going to do with Your Life - Echo and the Bunnymen

What are you going to do with your life?
What are you going to do with your life?
What are you going to do?
What are you going to be?
What am I going to do?
I'm going to be me be me be me
-->the lyrics speak for themselves

5. What is your life's purpose?
We Didn't Start the Fire - Billy Joel

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it
--> my life's purpose: fight THE FIRE? hrm... either that or be on the defensive? :S

6. What is your motto?
Dead Wrong - The Fray

'm doing the best that I could
Trying my best to be understood
Maybe I'm changing slowly
I'd get out turn around if only I

Knew I was dead wrong all along
You said it for my sake
As if I would lose my way
When I was dead wrong all along

Mine is not a new story
But it is for me
-->puede na :)

7. What do your friends think of you?
You Make me Stronger - Regine Velasquez (jeff a and pats's influence. hahaha!)

you've made me stronger by breaking my heart
You ended my life and made a better one start
You've taught me everything from fallin' in love
To letting go of a lie
yes you've made me stronger, baby, by saying goodbye.
--> gosh i do hope this is NOT what they think of me. hehehe!

8. What do you think of your parents?
What Goes Around Comes Around - justin Timberlake

What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around
Yeah
--> that my parents believe in karma? hrrmmm... :s

9. What do you think about very often?
Not in Love - Enrique Iglesias

I'm not in love
It's just a phase that i'm going through
I'm always looking for something new
But don't go running away
--> uhhh... no. hehe.

10. What do you think of your bestfriend?
Save Room - John Legend

save room for my love
save room for a moment to be with me
save room for my love save a little
save a little for me
won't you save a little
save a little for me
-->hahahaha! so NOT applicable :S

11. What do you think of the person you like?
It's Beginning to Get to Me - Snow Patrol

And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching in our cold bed

Are you beginning to get get my point
That all this fighting with aching joints
It's doing nothing but tire us out
No one knows what this fight's about
--> not applicable. crush lang naman eh at hindi ako bitter kahit na he doesn't know i exist. hahaha!:D

12. What is your life story?
Stereo - John Legend

Her favourite colours be platinum gold
She only loves her stereo, she only loves her stereo
I should know, kind of seen it before
I think I gotta let her go
She only loves her stereo
-- >my life story is that i only love my stereo? parang hindi. hehehe :D

13. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Leaving so Soon - Keane

You're leaving so soon
Never had a chance to bloom
But you were so quick
To change your tune
Don't look back
If I'm a weight around your neck
Cos if you don't need me
I don't need you
-->bitter? vindictive? hahaha sana naman hindi. :p

14. What do you think when you see the person you like?
Street Corner Symphony - Rob Thomas

It's morning
I wake up
The taste of summer sweetness on my mind
It's a clear day
In this city
Let's go dance under the street lights
All the people in this world
Let's come together
More than ever
I can feel it
Can you feel it

Come on over
Down to the corner
My sisters and my brothers of every different color
Can't you feel that sunshine telling you to hold tight
Things will be alright
Try to find a better life
Come on over
Down to the corner
My sisters and my brothers there for one another
Come on over
Man I know you wanna let yourself go
--> nice. yup, definitely an apt song. plus all flustered and conscious. hahahaha! :D

15. What do your parents think of you?
Dimelo - Enrique Iglesias

Dimelo suave, dimelo fuerte,
dimelo suave, dímelo por fin de una vez

Me gusta de ti, lo mucho que me gustas
y que poco me perdono yo de mi,
no tenemos nada que perder
y tenemos demasiado que vivir
--> that they love me and that i should tell them everything?hehe. but then i pretty much do anyhow. :)

16. What will you dance to your wedding?
Nothing in my Way - Keane (talk about emo.. hehehe)

And why'd you say
It's just another day, nothing in my way
I don't wanna go, I don't wanna stay
So there's nothing left to say
And why'd you lie
When you wanna die, when you hurt inside
Don't know what you lie for anyway
Now there's nothing left to say
--> my golly, i really do hope that this song is NOT played during my wedding. though i do love it. i want when i fall in love by the carpenters to be played in mine. hehe. :)

17. What will they play at your funeral?
Tenderness - General Public

Whistling in the graveyard
calling up your girlfriend
just trying to make her understand
you're squeezing the telephone like it was her hand
no question
so many questions
she's going to catch you out boy
it all seems so underhand
now she's the only thing that ever made you feel like a man, man
madman madman

Tenderness
where is the
Tenderness
Tenderness
Tenderness
where is it
-->of all the songs NOT to play during a funeral. though at least there's a graveyard mentioned. haha. labo.

18. What is your favorite hobby/interest?
Finish Line - Snow Patrol

The earth is warm next to my ear
Insects noise is all that I hear
A magic trick makes the world disappear
The skies are dark, they're dark but they're clear
-->daydreaming?spending time alone? puede. :D

19. What is your biggest fear?
Sige - 6 cycle mind

Sige, pagpatuloy niyo lang
Unti-unting lunudin sa kasiyahan
Sige, pagpasensiyahan na lang
Mga pumipigil sa ating ligaya

Okey lang naman ang ating usapan
Hindi na lang babalikan ang nakaraan
Ang nakaraan
-->the past catching up with me? hrm....

20. What is your biggest secret?
I Need to Wake Up - Melissa Etheridge

Cause I need to move
I need to wake up
I need to change
I need to shake up
I need to speak out
Something’s got to break up
I’ve been asleep
And I need to wake up
Now
-->i've been asleep and i need to wake up now?hrm...

21. What song will be the title when you repost this?
Summertime - Sundays

and its you and me in the summertime
Well be hand in hand down in the park
With a squeeze and a sigh and that twinkle in your eye
and all the sunshine banishes the dark
-->doesn't the dreary weather and the fact that there's no classes make you wish it were summertime? :) (minus the icky heat, of course..hehe)

Labels: music, random, survey

the one good thing about still being a student is the fact that you still get to enjoy the luxury of no-school days. i think that's the one thing i have over my working friends. while rain or shine they still have to trudge to work daily, i still get to occasionally sleep in and listen to the soothing pitter-patter of the rain (or rather, storm/typhoon/what-not) with enrique iglesias in the background (sigh... whattacombination. hehehe!).

i love it when the weather is like this because aside from the successive class suspensions (woohoo!), i have a very legitimate excuse to turn hermit and hide from the rest of the world and pretend i don't have a single care in the world. it's also a far cry from the past months's humidity and my waking up in the morning wanting to kill myself because i couldn't breathe (such fact being an indicator that it is going to rain within the day. a hot and humid kind of rain) this kind of rain is relaxing, cleansing even.

of course, i can't help but feel guilty. because while i'm at home resting and actually enjoying the rains, i know many are suffering what with the torrential downfalls, floods, and the like. maybe what my labor professor has been accusing me of is true, maybe i really do have a bleeding heart. sometimes, i think, it's much easier to pretend that the world revolves around you. at least that way, you don't feel bad/guilty everytime you step out your front door.

*~*

this morning, i attended the blessing of ann's (my highschool kabarkada) tutorial center in commonwealth. i think i enjoyed the korean beef and pastries a tad bit too much. hehehe. it's a really nice, bright, happy place. if i were a grade school/high school student in need of tutorials i would definitely go there. in fact, i think i will visit it during my free time and devour the books in the mini-library (hehe. joke lang, ann!).

i realized that we really have gone a long way since high school. well, they have at least. i'm still a dependent student. hahaha. but, seriously. i remember being in high school and not having a single care in the world except, well, school, family, and friends. and in retrospect, school was quite fun and not so stressful (at least compared to law school). the beauty of personalized education and all that jazz. haha. in high school, the world seemed to be ours for the taking. then college came and went and now all my friends are working, starting their own businesses. next thing i know we'll be attending weddings (hrm, kanino kaya? hahahaha!), having those weekly lunches old ladies have (peace, mom! haha), and starting new lives independent from the ones we have now. things seem to move so quickly sometimes. sometimes i just want to be able to grasp time in my hands and prevent it from moving so fast.

Labels: life in general, nothing and everything, ramblings

congratulations to my older brother, Jose Edmundo "Jodie" Reyes for placing second in the english poetry division of the 2007 Palanca Awards. Last year, he placed first in the english essay division of the same Awards for his essay entitled Fungibility, Dead Souls and OCWs.

he's the only atenean among the five of us siblings (now why did i have the need to mention this? hahaha!) whose book collection is both enviable and awe-inspiring (at least for me), who is both a math and literary genius (unfair! hehehe!) and whose voracious appetite for literature (and food!) is incomparable, to say the least.

congrats, Jodes! Even if you're not physically in the Philippines you have not only continued to show the big world out there what Filipino writers (and Filipinos in general hehe) are made of but have been a constant source of pride (and a constant source of reading material now that you're not home to get mad at me for going thru your books... hahaha! joke lang!).

And to think not so long ago you ate rabbit stew (poor rabbit!) just to spite me and tore off GREF's wings to boot. Hahaha! :D

Labels: jodie, ohana means family, palanca awards, sisterly pride

in january of last year, i bought salman rushdie's book fury. over the summer (of 2006) i attempted to read it, but barely reached the second chapter as i felt that it was too heavy and dark a summer read (unlike rushdie's haroun and the sea of stories which i "gobbled up" in a few hours). sarah nelson, in her book so many books, so little time, wrote that sometimes you don't choose the book, but rather the book chooses you. the other day as i was going thru my clutter stuff, i came across the book and the title caught my eye. for some reason felt an odd instant affinity towards it (if one can feel affinity towards books), it was as though it had chosen me. i then began to read it.

and at this point in time, i think fury is the book most apposite to my situation.

i haven't finished it yet (gasp) but professor malik solanka's exploration of personal demons (AKA furies) in post 9-11 new york city both intriguing and appalling. rushdie wrote the book in such a way as to depict NYC as a city in the brink of unleashing fury in a large-scale with its inhabitants being consumed by their own personal furies (excessive alcoholism and the like). in a sense, NYC in solanka's world is a MACROcosm of all the darkness, confusion, and, well, fury within ready to explode at a drop of a pin (or at the crashing of planes, it seems). [obiter: i recommend this book, though not if you're looking for a light and fluffy, warm and fuzzy, bright and shiny read]

i seem to be living in my own solanka-esque world, ready to explode at any given moment. the past few months i've felt that i've been riding one big emotional rollercoaster. i've heretofore been a firm believer in nietzsche's "that which does not kill me makes me stronger" but somehow, while obviously the goings-on have failed to kill me (sayang! haha, joke lang. i REALLY am not suicidal nor do i have a death wish), i am highly doubtful that the EXPERIENCE or rather, aggregate experiences have strengthened me in any which way. instead of believing a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel is inevitable, i find myself growing more pessimistic as the days go by and even resigning myself to a lifetime of mediocrity, if not failure. AND I LOATHE, HATE, DESPISE FEELING THIS WAY.

i find myself alternating between giddiness, depression, self-loathing, depression, normalcy, and even more depression. i've been inexplicably angry and depressed lately. it doesn't help that my academic performance is, as per usual, sub-par, my sleep patterns (as well as eating patterns) have gone haywire, and when i wake up in the morning, the world in general somehow doesn't seem to be a very nice place to live in. it's not that i'm angry at the world or anything of that sort. i've realized that more than anything, i'm angry at, well, me.

case in point, despite my propensity towards lazy piggishness, i actually do study. but somehow i've managed to blunder recit after recit, quiz after quiz, test after test. it doesn't held that it seems that the universe has conspired to make me fail no matter what (forgive the excessive pessimism, i'm actually just waxing poetic or being overly dramatic. i have a strong feeling it's the latter). take recits, for example. it seems to me that i ONLY get called for recit towards the end of the semester when the topics get more complex, if not complicated OR if i do get called beforehand, it's usually when the topic is relatively harder. i'm not blaming anyone but my bad luck given that recit cards are chosen at random but it does get frustrating and even depressing especially when you notice those around getting called on when the topic is easy and you could actually give a decent answer. same goes with quizzes and tests. i always study for them. i'm OC in that way but i always seem to miss a blatantly obvious and important point. something which i usually can answer post hoc but being the stupid girl that i am, failed to write WHILE taking the quiz. last saturday's torts midterms is a glaring example. i KNOW the answers. what's worse, while taking the exam i KNEW the answers but being myself, i wrote down something else. and that's 9 points subtracted just like that (not counting everything else i got wrong. haaayyyy) i like to look at all these as learning experiences from which i can grow but then this overwhelming nagging feelings keeps coming back and telling me that i'm setting myself up for even greater failure and disappointment. i mean if i ever do graduate, i can guarantee that i will study the best i can for the bar exams. but then even studying hard apparently doesn't amount to anything. :(

i'm not even grade-conscious in the "i compute my average" sense of the word. but sometimes, just sometimes i wish that the result would be commensurate to the work and effort put in. in my world, hard work always pays off. apparently in the real world, it doesn't.

i really hope to get rid of this fury, anger, resentment, and frustration soon. but sadly, even as regards my aforementioned hope, i'm pessimistic. haaayyy :(

Labels: books, dark and twisty, fury, law rants, nothing and everything

when i was in grade school or high school i attempted to organize my books by creating a database with MS Access. my ultimate goal was to come up with a system wherein i could locate my books by typing the title or author and then the shelf wherein it is located would be displayed.

Unfortunately, the computer wherein my file was stored crashed and i, being the lazy person that i am, oh-so-conveniently forgot to make a back-up copy. i never quite got to reconstructing my book database the reasons being: 1. i'm a lazy pig, 2. i'm a slob and it's virtually impossible for me to come up with a relatively organized system, 3. i thought i could do it manually (i actually bought a book journal. it's essentially a journal that allows you to keep track of books borrowed/lent, favorite books and passages, books to read) but one year hence it's still practically empty.

luckily, i discovered a site that allows you to easily catalog your books online. it's pretty simple (for lazy people like yours truly) as it allows you to type the book title or its author and then a selection from amazon, loc, etc. comes out and you just click on the book you own. i have yet to make an comrehensive inventory of my books but this is a start. when i actually get to organizing them, i'll figure out a shelving system (in like, 500 years or so. hahaha).

this is my book catalog. it's incomplete as i'm too lazy to actually make a list but i've got to start somewhere, right? :) Next goal is to catalogue my brothers' book collections then on to my sisters' and parents'. good luck to me. our house is essentially one giant bookshelf pretending to be a house what with the endless clutter and books all over the place (we're a family of bookworms and packrats. to think i hate worms and rats. hahaha :s). give me the next century maybe by some miracle i'll actually accomplish that. oh well, wishful thinking. hehehe! :D

my next goal is to read at least one non-law book a week. i resolved to do so last weekend when i realized that i had bought 6 books in the span of 2 weeks. of those 6, i've only finished 2 (including harry potter 7!). that's a pretty bad record considering i have accumulated piles of books waiting to be read from college, possibly even high school which up to this point i haven't even started on. besides, i need some leisure reading. been feeling down and frankly even quite batty lately as i've been pretty engrossed in all things law school.

or better yet, maybe i should spend ALL my time studying, get high grades (yeah, right), become a lawyer, make tons of money, retire at, say, 30, and spend the rest of my life reading. hahaha. i wish.

unfortunately, i'm still iffy about the whole law school thing. the only thing i'm quite certain of is that if by some miracle i survive law school, the bar, and become a lawyer i don't think i'm going to get rich what with my lack of interest in the more-lucrative fields of law. so yeah, back to my one book a week goal.

Labels: books, law school, nothing and everything, pasaway mode

saw this in some blogs, decided i needed some relatively mindless thing to do in lieu of wallowing in self-pity after labor midterms...


YOU OWN:

[ ] You own over 10 bottles of nail polish
[x] You own perfume that cost over $60
[ ] You had/have fake nails
[ ] You have more hair products than you can use
[x] You have enough clothes to cover an entire refugee camp.
[] You have enough pictures to create your own wallpaper.

Total: 2

DO YOU:
[ ] Have/had a hair color that is not your natural color
[ x ] Have “blonde moments” at least once a day
[x] Constantly keep your phone at your side
[ ] Dance around in your room when nobody else is home
[ ] Refuse to go out in public without makeup

Total: 2

DO YOU ADORE:

[ ] Makeup
[ ] Glitter
[ ] The Color Pink
[x] Shopping
[] Jewelry
[ ] Mirrors
[x] Chick flicks
[x] Shoes
[X ] Rainbows
[ ] Unicorns
[x] Disney Movies
[ ] Candles
[] Flowers
[x ] Stuffed Animals
[] Purses
[ ] Boots
[ ] Starbucks

Total: 6

DO YOU SAY:

[x ] whatever.
[x] oh my gosh/goodness/god
[ ] hun/honey
[ ] that’s hot
[ ] dunzo
[ ] darling
[ ] psh
[] cutie
[ ] hottie
[ ] totally
[ ] fer shur
[ ] fabulous
[ ] hell ya
[x] like
[x] duh

Total: 4

DO YOU READ:

[x] Cosmopolitan/Cosmo Girl
[ ] Cleo
[ ] Marie Claire
[] Elle
[ ] Vogue
[ ] Dolly
[ ] Girlfriend
[x ] Teen Vogue
[ ] Famous
[ ] New idea
[ ] NW
[ ] Madison
[ ] Who
[ ] PerezHilton.com


Total: 2

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE:

[x] Legally Blonde
[ x] Elizabethtown
[x] Mean Girls
[x] Now & Then
[] The Notebook
[x] A Walk to Remember
[x] Sweet Home Alabama
[x ] Where the Heart is
[x] Just my luck
[ x]John Tucker Must Die
[x] Centerstage
[x] Bring it On
[x] How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
[x] Mona Lisa Smile

Total: 13

ARE YOU/HAVE YOU BEEN ADDICTED TO:

[ ] LOST
[ ] America’s Next Top Model
[] Project Runway
[ ] Desperate Housewives
[] The Simple Life
[ ] Next pussycat doll
[ ] 8th & Ocean
[x ] Grey’s Anatomy
[ ] The O.C.
[ ] Laguna Beach/The Hills
[ ] Nip/Tuck
[x] Gilmore Girls
[ ] Veronica Mars
[] One tree hill

Total: 2

ALL TOTAL: 27

Multiply your total by two. You are __% Barbie!

spent part of this afternoon reminiscing with some of my blockmates about books we read as kids/teens.
here's a list of some of the series i read and collected:

sweet valley kids (i still remember, my first-ever pocket book was book #13 of the SVK series, my sister's gift to me for my 6th or 7th birthday)
sweet valley twins
the unicorn club
sweet valley high
sweet valley senior year
sweet valley university

nancy drew notebooks
nancy drew (including the old, hardbound ones though i read these selectively as they were my mom's and hence quite old, musty and scary-looking for me, at least, given my fear/aversion of old books)
nancy drew files (including the nancy drew and hardy boys super mysteries)
nancy drew on campus

the gymnasts (inherited from my sister)

the baby-sitters club (including the portrait collection, super specials, i remember i even had the guide to baby-sitting, not that i ever did baby-it in my life..hehe)
baby-sitter's little sister

clueless (i have ALL the books based on the movie and the series)

love stories (including the special editions... in high school my friend and i memorized ALL the book numbers and their corresponding titles and authors)

buffy the vampire slayer (based on the tv series, including angel, willow and xander files)

dawson's creek (based on the tv series)

the year i turned sixteen

the heart collection (forgot the exact series title. basta heart of courage, gold, etc. are the titles)

@cafe

anne of green gables series (i adore LM Montgomery's works)
emily of new moon series (ditto)

asterix (j'adore asterix! and obelix, too!)

enchanted wood series (i love love love enid blyton's works!)
magic faraway chair series (oops, there's only two of them pala. hehe)

harry potter (started reading in high school)

series of unfortunate events (though i stopped i think after book 7 when i realized that the plot was all too predictable)


compare the aforecited with what is currently eating up precious shelf-space:

codals

commentaries

cases

books on civil society, politics, and governance (not that i am complaining)

is there NOT a marked difference? :s

i've always been a voracious reader and particular enjoy reading what i consider to be "light and fluffy" books. happy times spent happily reading fluff, being transported to another, more magical world.

now, i read to survive lest i have my head chopped off (figuratively, at least) during recit. though i must admit that i sometimes am pasaway and read non-law related material to maintain my already precarious sanity (or lack thereof). hahaha. :p


i just wish i had more time to linger and revel in carefree-ness (albeit of the selfish sort).

now, back to my codals... :s

Labels: books, law rants, life in general

first year law student.kid at heart.idealist.optimist (except about myself).hopeless romantic.daydream believer.dreamer.klutz(hehe).


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"I don't care if I never grow up
Don't want to shrink in a suit
Don't want live just to suck someones bones dry
I'd rather die."
- Chris Trapper, Waiting Watching Wishing

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