someone commented today that i had gotten so thin na daw. she even asked me if i was still eating. i replied that all i've been doing lately is eat. and that's the truth. take today for instance. i had two lunches, three blueberry bars (albeit vegan but still loaded with sugar, i'm sure), iced coffee (more sugar), a banana latte (even more sugar), half a container of pringles (the big one), a bag of chips, fishballs, fish and chicken, and oh yeah, i ate a slice of the pizza that my friend brought for HER lunch.haha. if anything, i've taken the definition of gluttony to a higher plane. i ate my way through summer as well. so whenever people comment that i've lost weight, i basically tell them the same thing: that all i've been doing is eating and then go through a litany of my most recent gluttonous momentssss because not only am i honest, i'm also (ultra) high disclosure.

but that comment did make my day. :)

though i swear, i will at least ATTEMPT to begin living a healthier lifestyle tomorrow. :D

Labels: life in general, silver lining

it's been a tiring week. have had to do stuff for org, barops, not to mention study. not to mention that not-so-tiny irritationt that won't seem to disappear. good thing was that today, for the first time in a long time, i felt slightly more relaxed. not by much, but at least marginally. i've come to realize that talking is cathartic.

let the "healing" process begin slowly but hopefully surely...

went on a mini-field trip to congress today with dianne and benjoe to research on the legislative intent of a particular section in the CARL. we went thru the records of the house of representatives as well as the archives and came up with nothing. had quite a few laughs over the deliberations we read thru as well. in retrospect, i don't know if it's simply amusing or a reason for alarm that the quality of our legislators (with a few exceptions, mind you) is less than sterling. i think it's the latter. thank goodness for the laughs along the way to somehow mitigate the reality.

oh yeah, i'm a stalker. lynnie can attest to that. hahaha. :D

Labels: life in general

style="border:0px;margin-top:5px;" src="http://forge.codedgraphic.com/lakbayan/grade-c-"
title="Lakbayan Grade: C-" alt=""
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My Lakbayan grade is C-!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at href="http://forge.codedgraphic.com/lakbayan">Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

Labels: travel, wow philippines

i am currently typing up this post using my not-so-baby brother's brand new black macbook. i'm so jealous. what a pretty little thing. :)

anyhow, it's been one crazy week. as if the start of class AND the accompanying stress wasn't enough. it had to be aggravated by certain events and people. it would be much much easier and much less stressful if i just let it go, but fortunately (or unfortunately), my world is black and white and technicolor at times. one color it is not is gray. it's the way i was raised, i guess, what with my mommy constantly hammering down my throat that there are no such things as gray areas and it stuck. so aside from having the sometimes-nasty habit of questioning everything, there is also that belief that there are certain things that cannot be compromised. call me naïve if you will, but i still believe that so long as there are certainties in this world, principles we can all live by, and belief in the ultimate Good, integrity, justice, and principle, there is still hope.

so i resolve that despite all that has been going on, i will REFUSE to let my black and white and sometimes technicolor world turn into blurry shades of gray (hey, isn't that the title of kevin's blog? haha). that means i will not condone nor coddle anything or anyone whom i believe to be wrong nor will i be afraid.

whatever happens, at the end of the day, at least i'll have my dignity and integrity intact. as the english philosopher edmund burke so aptly said, "all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." in my case, that good women do nothing. i'm not saying i'm good because i'm far from it, but there is only so much i can tolerate. so i'll do my part in whatever little way i can because it's what i believe to be the decent and human thing to do.

que será, será.

Labels: life, ramblings, resolutions

You Are 88% Feminist

You are a total feminist. This doesn't mean you're a man hater (in fact, you may be a man). You just think that men and women should be treated equally. It's a simple idea but somehow complicated for the world to put into action.

Are You a Feminist?

my second year as a law student will begin tomorrow. normally, i get super excited when classes start. but somehow in light of all that's happened, i don't feel like quite the eager-beaver student i usually am.

in all fairness, i feel better what with a weekend and a half of pure and blissful hibernation from all things law school-related (ok, i may have cheated a couple of times by doing work and overthinking but hey, my "break" was better than nothing). last saturday, my friend lynnie treated father (eduard pala..haha), christine, and me to lunch on her first paycheck (sorry, guys, you'll have to wait til i get my first paycheck til i can reciprocate. don't know when that'll be. haha). we went to ran's somewhere in fort bonifacio. it's literally a small, hole-in-the-wall type of restaurant but the food is WOW and it was super super cheap. talk about value for money. i'm definitely going back there. after stuffing our faces with yummy japanese food, we headed to serendra for some cupcakes. a trip to the fort is definitely not complete without a visit to sonja's cupcakes. lyn made us choose one cupcake each (bunny huggers i.e., carrot cupcake with cream cheese icing for me) but being the low-EQ, low self-control person that i am, i proceeded to buy three more (i have a new favorite cupcake -- banana cream pie! absolutely heavenly...though i also love the peppermint chocolate and carrot cakey ones) and resolved that i will learn how to bake my own cupcakes in the process. christine brought up happy places. sonja's is definitely one of mine. we then headed to christine's place and ended up DEVOURING our cupcakes and krispy kreme donuts (my blood sugar level must be out of bounds, but who cares?).

yesterday morning, i had a muay thai training session for the first time in the longest time. i thought it wouldn't turn out well because i'm out of shape. my instructor's been out of the country and i've been busy, but in fairness, i realized stress, depression, and annoyance do wonders to my muay thai. my intructor commented that he thought my kicks were quite good and in all fairness, it took some time for me to feel the exhaustion muay thai usually brings. plus my punches were stronger and snappier than usual (or maybe that's just me. haha) i was actually quite happy when he made me do six rounds of boxing the speed ball. i usually don't like it because i'm not very coordinated but i realized that it was actually a good stress reliever. it was an additional bonus when i realized imagining CERTAIN PEOPLE taking the place of the speed ball made my punches more accurate and strong. hahaha. evil me. and i did feel much better albeit sore afterwards. then in the afternoon, i met up with lyn and christine and we had our hair cellophaned. i've realized that whenever something happens to me, i end up doing something to my hair though i still don't have the guts to cut it really short or dye it blue. haha. then i went to another happy place, powerplant and engaged in retail therapy shopping. then after dinner, my dad and siblings went to yet another happy place, kozui in morato. it's this green tea café which i love because i absolutely adore all things green tea-ish.

today, i'm just enjoying my last day of acad-free (non)existence. finishing up some work for my internship, watching episodes of grey's anatomy, fixing stuff for barops, wishing time could move slower. today i'm quite relaxed and happy. things are quiet. pessimistic me is scared that it's just the calm before the storm. optimistic me hopes no storm is coming. (ok, now i just sound schizo. haha).

Labels: life, summer

Academics and Discipline

[X] Took home my IW -- ONLY when we were actually allowed to do so.. :)
[ ] Submitted all IWs on the 3rd Friday
[ ] Cheated on a test
[ ] Got caught cheating
[] Texted in class
[] Brought a cellphone to school
[] Creatively hid cellphone during inspection
[ ] Used the same issue of Didache for 1 whole year
[ ] Used someone else's Didache for 1 whole year --
[X] Got an E in at least one of Mrs. Borja's reflection papers
[ ] Had an egg baby that lived till the end of the project period -- i would've enjoyed a project like that though. haha!
[ ] Had accessories for your egg baby
[ ] Named an actor as the father of your baby
[ ] Named a boyfriend or actual person as the father of your baby
[X ] Outstanding Student
[X] Excellence in any subject
[X] Excellence in your chosen elective -- community development! i remember! haha :)
[X] Can still recall any maxim that isn't “Piensa con frecuencia en el valor del tiempo.” -- of course!
[X] Actually read the text of Ibong Adarna
[X] Actually read the text of Florante & Laura
[X] Actually read the text of Noli Me Tangere - twice, english and filipino versions :)
[X] Actually read the text of El Filibusterismo - read it twice, once in english and once in filipino
[X] Borrowed a lab gown from someone in another class
[ ] Borrowed a lab gown from someone in another class without their knowing
[ ] Failed a subject
[ ] Took summer classes
[X] Studied for a test the day of the test
[X] Did not study at all for a test
[ ] Was ever a part of MTAP - was part of PEM though.
[] Slept in class
[] Slept in the AVR
[] Slept in the MPR
[] Slept in the Little Theater
[ ] Faked dysmenorrhea to nap in the clinic
[X] Had someone else do your THE project/s for you -- guilty as charged
[X] Seriously studied for Lab, Computer, or PE finals
[ ] Borrowed someone else's recorder for music -- we didn't even learn how to play recorders.. :(
[X] Killed time in the library during IW
[ ] Cut class
[] Pretended to have a problem to play hooky in the guidance office
[ ] Got caught cutting class
[ ] Had more than 10 tardies
[X] Ever had to talk to a teacher in the “conversation rooms" -- at least i think so
[X ] Was a class officer
[X] Was a club officer
[ ] Got to school before 6am to cram for a project
[X] Left school past 8pm cramming for a project - high school pa lang, haggard na :s


"Fun" Stuff

[ ] Had a Space Maker -- a what?
[X ] Used a Jansport backpack
[ ] Had a class jacket
[X] Collected Lisa Frank
[ ] Was in the “Unicorn Club"
[ ] Was in the “Stamp Club"
[X] Loved the Spice Girls
[X] Loved the Backstreet Boys
[X] Loved the Moffatts - i remember their concert in hard rock cafe.. hahaha!
[X] Loved Hanson
[ ] Threw staples in my gradeschool Spanish teacher's afro
[ ] Ever sang “Count the nunal of Ms. Donato" -- Who?
X] Played piko - don't even know how
[X] Played patintero -- fun times!
[x ] Played in the batch vs. batch patintero
[X] Played Chinese garter
[x ] Wore shorts under my skirt so I could play Chinese garter properly
] Took ballet in the Shirley Halili-Cruz School of Ballet
[ ] Took gymnastics with Teacher Weena
[] “Forgot" my PE uniform at home
[] Actually forgot my PE uniform at home
[ ] Was part of the group who turned the bathroom into “The Lounge"
[ ] Vandalized the bathroom doors in 2nd year
[ ] Had a Bakal Boy
[] Made takas to Galle
[] Made takas to Galle to meet up with boys - wow, i was a good student.. hehehehe! :D
[ ] Had a prom date who was the fruit of the Xavier-Poveda interaction
[x ] Still friends with the Xavierians I met at the interaction
[ ] Was a facilitator at the interaction
[ ] Got jailed at any Poveda fair - got out of it :D
[ ] Went to the LaSalle Fair
[X] Went to the Ateneo Fair
[ X] Went to the Xavier Fair
[ ] Plucked someone's eyebrows in class/between classes
[ ] Had your eyebrows plucked in class/between classes
[] Made friendship bracelets in class
[X] Had a kikay kit - which i never used, btw. hahaha
[ ] Danced during any assembly
[ ] Sang during any assembly
[ ] Led prayer at Monday general assembly
[ ] Sang the National Anthem at Monday general assembly
[ ] Had a band
[ ] Performed at the fair
[ ] Ate De Jesus fried chicken for recess AND lunch
[ ] Ate De Jesus fried chicken with ketchup
[ ] Ate De Jesus fried chicken with gravy
[] T-Bone
[X] Blue Marlin
[ ] Blue & Gold mami
[X] Mexican rice bowl --
[] Lumpia from the De Jesus canteen --
[ ] Strawberries and cream from the De Jesus canteen
[X ] Peanutbutter bars from the Pastry Cart -- YUMMY! :D
[ ] BEGG sandwich - ewww
[ ] Waited at least 20 minutes just to get food from the Jap food stall
[ ] Had a close encounter with Ms. Henny (from under the stairs)
[X] Ate at the covered walk (when there were no tables yet) - and still ate there even when there were tables.. i miss the dirty floor.. hahaha
[ ] Went shopping at the Lost and Found
[X] Cried like crazy at all retreats
[ ] Snuck in contraband stuff during the retreat
[X] Got a special palanca from a special boy -- well got palancas from some guy friends.. nothing special. hahaha
[ ] Took pictures with Mang Baguio at graduation --aww, i should've...

only half the year has gone by and already, i've done some things i've never done before such as:

1. ask a guy on a date (well, just to be my date to the winlaw ball lang naman so no biggie but then this is the girl who got asked to her own prom.)
2. voluntarily go to the beach not even once but TWICE *gasp*
3. get a job (well, actually tis an internship but then work is work)
4. yell at someone in public (just today, definitely NOT my finest moment. i cannot believe i snapped like that. in my defense i was provoked but still, i still had no excuse to act that way)
5. cry in front of a professor (happened today, too. i wanted the ground to open up and swallow me alive or at least die of total and utter mortification)
6. get a 4.0 in a subject (i'm actually SOMEWHAT over it. such is life i guess though it also doesn't diminish the self-loathing. haha)

other bad stuff that happened today:
- i fell down the stairs while leaving yellow cab along katipunan for the whole katipunan passer-by to see
- my really nice scented cologne bottle broke inside my bag thereby soaking my jeans and bag. on a more positive side, at least my jeans and bag smell really good

and to compound things, i've had this headache for an entire week that won't seem to go away, i'm quickly gaining stress-induced pounds (four slices of pizza, anyone?), and i'm an over-all emotional wreck. in my defense, i really want things to be ok with my block so i am doing everything i can. unfortunately, tis just not good enough. it also doesn't help that i actually have no idea what to do and i feel like a big, fat (both literally and figuratively) failure. it also doesn't help when you feel guilty for something you did NOT even do and the reason you feel guilty is that you were actually once in a similar situation and you felt terrible when you were in that person's place.

i want to sleep. and just wake up when the nightmare is over. i emanate stress and sadness which is hazardous to myself and those around me.

Labels: law, life

i'm going to pull a lemony snicket and forewarn whoever dares to read this post that he/she should not expect anything light and fluffy from this post.

that being said...

this past week has been like a living nightmare. everything has been one, big, fuzzy, and depressing blur. to make things worse, i've been in headless-chicken mode yet again what with THE PROBLEM, registration, org and barops responsibilities, freshie orientation, etc. i'm not complaining because i actually enjoy volunteering for stuff but admittedly sometimes it just gets sooo tiring, especially with everything going on.

i'm just so so exhausted.

Labels: law, life

1. that my block stays intact
2. wasabi-flavored popcorn (post-midnight cravings.. haha!)
3. crocs
4. a good year (academic and otherwise) ahead
5. more eager and willing bar ops volunteers (interested? let me know!)
6. an extremely large dose of self-confidence and self-esteem
7. that i figure out what to do with my life
8. ten hours of uninterrupted and peaceful sleep
9. world peace (just watched ms. congeniality 2 the other day, but really)
10. it's a secret. :)

Labels: life

i passed my usual route going home from up today (i.e., philcoa, circle, quezon avenue, etc.). while i was driving thru the underpass along quezon avenue, i realized one thing: i was driving above 80kph. now, if i were my brother or any other "normal" driver, that would be normal. but i have a "never drive above 50kph" policy (especially after the "race" to majayjay against kevin while driving jorbs's car. haha!). i freak out when i hit 60, so imagine how i would normally feel while driving at 80. then i realized i simply couldn't care less. as i've said, i'm not suicidal so kahit papano there was some semblance of concern (though much of the concern was for the omnipresent jump-out-of-nowhere pedestrian crossing quezon avenue and not much for myself), but admittedly for that split-second i thought to myself that if anything bad happened, i wouldn't care less.

i've been thru this stage before but never because of acads and never to this extent. i've already gone thru my normal stages, i.e., cry my eyes out, tell the whole world and then some, cry my eyes out, run to my mommy, eat all the comfort food in the world, cry my eyes out, call myself stupud at every possible opportunity, and oh, did i mention cry my eyes out? but i don't really feel any better. i just feel worse. and not even just for myself (yes, despite my inherent stupidity i'm not THAT egocentric. hahaha) but more the others who have it worse.

i seriously want to curl up under my blanket, cry my eyes out (i wouldn't mind new eyes. i'm about to give up on mine. haha), and just let my pathetic (non)existence pass me by. if there is anything i hate, it's wallowing in self-pity. or at least wallowing for more than a reasonable period of time. it's normally relatively easy for me to bounce back when the going gets tough but i'm having a particularly hard time right now. it's especially depressing because i can't think of a solution to any of my blockmates'/friends' problems. for the longest time i got used to being the go-to girl. but now that they need all the help and/or advice they can get, i'm drawing a blank. it's heart-breaking that i can't do anything, that i'm powerless to help anyone. i so want to make promises that we'll figure everything out and that everything's going to be ok but i can't because since i don't have any viable solutions, i'd just be lying. :(

haaay. this is thoroughly draining. i remember telling myself at the beginning of the year that if i ever put myself down, i'd fine myself. i wonder how much i owe in self-imposed fines now. probably in immeasurable and unaffordable levels. haha. i was never my own best friend and was always the first to put myself down but in the past, kahit papano, i had some semblance of self-love or at least self-respect.

someone please tell me that everything will be better in the morning, that the world is not actually a big, evil, and unreasonable place...

post script:
saw the final exam today. as a testament to how HARD (and that's an understatement), our prof had to add an additional 15 points and most of us still failed it. and to add insult to injury was the realization that if i had just gotten two (yes TWO, though each answer was worth 4 points each... but still...) more answers correct, i actually would have passed. i really hate myself right now.

Labels: dark and twisty, law

in my ideal world, hard work counts. i.e., the outcome is always commensurate to the amount of work and effort put in. unfortunately, the gap between my dream world scenario and reality has been magnified by the events of the last few days.

i remember last year right before grad. i was freaking out because i took a higher math class as an elective (yep, stupid me) and being the stupid and pasaway person that i am, i barely studied for and therefore failed the first two exams (though in my defense, it was a math class for math majors and it was HARD). so of course, when the time came for the third (and last exam before finals) came, i was panicking. because if i failed it, i wouldn't even be qualified to take the final exams. to compound the already-wretched situation (though such was admittedly self-inflicted), if i failed that subject, i wouldn't graduate on time. on the other hand, if i did pass it, i'd graduate with honors. so i put everything i had into studying for the third exam. and i'm happy to say all my hard work and effort paid of. i never found out my exact grade but i figured it must've been pretty high because not only did i pass it, i was also exempted from taking the final exam. on the other hand, i get a 4 in a subject where the grade is dependent upon the final exam which we foresaw to be REALLY DIFFICULT. still we studied really hard but no, not only was in difficult, it was bordering on unanswerable. hence, the 4. thing is, i can't blame anyone but myself. not for NOT studying hard because i know i did, but perhaps for not being smart enough or having the capacity to think like our professor (who, in all fairness, is brilliant).

it's an icky, icky feeling. if i were suicidal (and thank goodness i am decidedly NOT), i would've killed myself days ago. this whole summer (actually year), i've been praying and praying for a sign that law was meant for me. then grades come and it seems as though all signs are pointing to one thing: law is not for me. unfortunately, these signs don't come in black or white. just blurry, fuzzy shades of gray. like 4 instead of 5 and all that. i don't want to continue studying to be someone i am not meant to become but at the same time i don't want to leave law school and later on regret it. but what scares me is that if i stay, what if i'm just setting myself up for failure of epic proportions and more heartbreak and disappointment? and if i stay despite everything, that would be tantamount to my condonation and consent to be subjected to a system i am not particularly a fan of. but i also hate the feeling of being in limbo, of not knowing what my next step is, of the future suddenly seeming all the more scary and uncertain, of hating myself and wishing for the nth time that i just wasn't me, of being frustrated with myself, of feeling like a big, fat, ugly failure (i hate that word and i hate it more when i feel that i am one).

i'm really having second (and third and fourth...) thoughts about this whole law school thing. there are so many other things i could be doing. unfortunately, there are also so many things i could accomplish if i ever (forgive my pessimism but knowing me and my stupidity and seemingly endless supply of bad luck) become a lawyer. haayyy.

i hate not knowing what to do. being helpless to alleviate my situation and the situation of others. i really wish i could do something. :(

i'm so so tired. my eyes are all red and puffy. i need my mommy. and hot chocolate. and ice cream. and anything wasabi flavored. and a large dose of self-confidence and self-love which i doubt i will get anytime in the near (or even distant) future. whoopee for me. :s forgive the pessimism. now apparently is not the time for me to get started on myself but unfortunately for me, once i start self-bashing, it takes awhile before i stop. i also recognize that things can be so much worse and that i shouldn't be feeling this bad and depressed because such is life. and yet i don't feel any better.

Labels: dark and twisty, failure, law, life, self-loathing

first year law student.kid at heart.idealist.optimist (except about myself).hopeless romantic.daydream believer.dreamer.klutz(hehe).


lay-out
{designer}
{font}



{AKBAYAN Rep. Risa Hontiveros-Baraquel}
{UP ALYANSA}
{spam}
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{kristian}
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{emma}
{paolo}
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{ralph}
{cheska}
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{leo}
{marian}
{kevin}
{gwen}
{mark arthur}
{darwin}
{dianne}
{jam}
{cha}
{boom}
{salma}
{emil}



"I don't care if I never grow up
Don't want to shrink in a suit
Don't want live just to suck someones bones dry
I'd rather die."
- Chris Trapper, Waiting Watching Wishing

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