i am currently typing up this post using my not-so-baby brother's brand new black macbook. i'm so jealous. what a pretty little thing. :)

anyhow, it's been one crazy week. as if the start of class AND the accompanying stress wasn't enough. it had to be aggravated by certain events and people. it would be much much easier and much less stressful if i just let it go, but fortunately (or unfortunately), my world is black and white and technicolor at times. one color it is not is gray. it's the way i was raised, i guess, what with my mommy constantly hammering down my throat that there are no such things as gray areas and it stuck. so aside from having the sometimes-nasty habit of questioning everything, there is also that belief that there are certain things that cannot be compromised. call me naïve if you will, but i still believe that so long as there are certainties in this world, principles we can all live by, and belief in the ultimate Good, integrity, justice, and principle, there is still hope.

so i resolve that despite all that has been going on, i will REFUSE to let my black and white and sometimes technicolor world turn into blurry shades of gray (hey, isn't that the title of kevin's blog? haha). that means i will not condone nor coddle anything or anyone whom i believe to be wrong nor will i be afraid.

whatever happens, at the end of the day, at least i'll have my dignity and integrity intact. as the english philosopher edmund burke so aptly said, "all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." in my case, that good women do nothing. i'm not saying i'm good because i'm far from it, but there is only so much i can tolerate. so i'll do my part in whatever little way i can because it's what i believe to be the decent and human thing to do.

que será, será.

Labels: life, ramblings, resolutions

my second year as a law student will begin tomorrow. normally, i get super excited when classes start. but somehow in light of all that's happened, i don't feel like quite the eager-beaver student i usually am.

in all fairness, i feel better what with a weekend and a half of pure and blissful hibernation from all things law school-related (ok, i may have cheated a couple of times by doing work and overthinking but hey, my "break" was better than nothing). last saturday, my friend lynnie treated father (eduard pala..haha), christine, and me to lunch on her first paycheck (sorry, guys, you'll have to wait til i get my first paycheck til i can reciprocate. don't know when that'll be. haha). we went to ran's somewhere in fort bonifacio. it's literally a small, hole-in-the-wall type of restaurant but the food is WOW and it was super super cheap. talk about value for money. i'm definitely going back there. after stuffing our faces with yummy japanese food, we headed to serendra for some cupcakes. a trip to the fort is definitely not complete without a visit to sonja's cupcakes. lyn made us choose one cupcake each (bunny huggers i.e., carrot cupcake with cream cheese icing for me) but being the low-EQ, low self-control person that i am, i proceeded to buy three more (i have a new favorite cupcake -- banana cream pie! absolutely heavenly...though i also love the peppermint chocolate and carrot cakey ones) and resolved that i will learn how to bake my own cupcakes in the process. christine brought up happy places. sonja's is definitely one of mine. we then headed to christine's place and ended up DEVOURING our cupcakes and krispy kreme donuts (my blood sugar level must be out of bounds, but who cares?).

yesterday morning, i had a muay thai training session for the first time in the longest time. i thought it wouldn't turn out well because i'm out of shape. my instructor's been out of the country and i've been busy, but in fairness, i realized stress, depression, and annoyance do wonders to my muay thai. my intructor commented that he thought my kicks were quite good and in all fairness, it took some time for me to feel the exhaustion muay thai usually brings. plus my punches were stronger and snappier than usual (or maybe that's just me. haha) i was actually quite happy when he made me do six rounds of boxing the speed ball. i usually don't like it because i'm not very coordinated but i realized that it was actually a good stress reliever. it was an additional bonus when i realized imagining CERTAIN PEOPLE taking the place of the speed ball made my punches more accurate and strong. hahaha. evil me. and i did feel much better albeit sore afterwards. then in the afternoon, i met up with lyn and christine and we had our hair cellophaned. i've realized that whenever something happens to me, i end up doing something to my hair though i still don't have the guts to cut it really short or dye it blue. haha. then i went to another happy place, powerplant and engaged in retail therapy shopping. then after dinner, my dad and siblings went to yet another happy place, kozui in morato. it's this green tea café which i love because i absolutely adore all things green tea-ish.

today, i'm just enjoying my last day of acad-free (non)existence. finishing up some work for my internship, watching episodes of grey's anatomy, fixing stuff for barops, wishing time could move slower. today i'm quite relaxed and happy. things are quiet. pessimistic me is scared that it's just the calm before the storm. optimistic me hopes no storm is coming. (ok, now i just sound schizo. haha).

Labels: life, summer

only half the year has gone by and already, i've done some things i've never done before such as:

1. ask a guy on a date (well, just to be my date to the winlaw ball lang naman so no biggie but then this is the girl who got asked to her own prom.)
2. voluntarily go to the beach not even once but TWICE *gasp*
3. get a job (well, actually tis an internship but then work is work)
4. yell at someone in public (just today, definitely NOT my finest moment. i cannot believe i snapped like that. in my defense i was provoked but still, i still had no excuse to act that way)
5. cry in front of a professor (happened today, too. i wanted the ground to open up and swallow me alive or at least die of total and utter mortification)
6. get a 4.0 in a subject (i'm actually SOMEWHAT over it. such is life i guess though it also doesn't diminish the self-loathing. haha)

other bad stuff that happened today:
- i fell down the stairs while leaving yellow cab along katipunan for the whole katipunan passer-by to see
- my really nice scented cologne bottle broke inside my bag thereby soaking my jeans and bag. on a more positive side, at least my jeans and bag smell really good

and to compound things, i've had this headache for an entire week that won't seem to go away, i'm quickly gaining stress-induced pounds (four slices of pizza, anyone?), and i'm an over-all emotional wreck. in my defense, i really want things to be ok with my block so i am doing everything i can. unfortunately, tis just not good enough. it also doesn't help that i actually have no idea what to do and i feel like a big, fat (both literally and figuratively) failure. it also doesn't help when you feel guilty for something you did NOT even do and the reason you feel guilty is that you were actually once in a similar situation and you felt terrible when you were in that person's place.

i want to sleep. and just wake up when the nightmare is over. i emanate stress and sadness which is hazardous to myself and those around me.

Labels: law, life

i'm going to pull a lemony snicket and forewarn whoever dares to read this post that he/she should not expect anything light and fluffy from this post.

that being said...

this past week has been like a living nightmare. everything has been one, big, fuzzy, and depressing blur. to make things worse, i've been in headless-chicken mode yet again what with THE PROBLEM, registration, org and barops responsibilities, freshie orientation, etc. i'm not complaining because i actually enjoy volunteering for stuff but admittedly sometimes it just gets sooo tiring, especially with everything going on.

i'm just so so exhausted.

Labels: law, life

1. that my block stays intact
2. wasabi-flavored popcorn (post-midnight cravings.. haha!)
3. crocs
4. a good year (academic and otherwise) ahead
5. more eager and willing bar ops volunteers (interested? let me know!)
6. an extremely large dose of self-confidence and self-esteem
7. that i figure out what to do with my life
8. ten hours of uninterrupted and peaceful sleep
9. world peace (just watched ms. congeniality 2 the other day, but really)
10. it's a secret. :)

Labels: life

in my ideal world, hard work counts. i.e., the outcome is always commensurate to the amount of work and effort put in. unfortunately, the gap between my dream world scenario and reality has been magnified by the events of the last few days.

i remember last year right before grad. i was freaking out because i took a higher math class as an elective (yep, stupid me) and being the stupid and pasaway person that i am, i barely studied for and therefore failed the first two exams (though in my defense, it was a math class for math majors and it was HARD). so of course, when the time came for the third (and last exam before finals) came, i was panicking. because if i failed it, i wouldn't even be qualified to take the final exams. to compound the already-wretched situation (though such was admittedly self-inflicted), if i failed that subject, i wouldn't graduate on time. on the other hand, if i did pass it, i'd graduate with honors. so i put everything i had into studying for the third exam. and i'm happy to say all my hard work and effort paid of. i never found out my exact grade but i figured it must've been pretty high because not only did i pass it, i was also exempted from taking the final exam. on the other hand, i get a 4 in a subject where the grade is dependent upon the final exam which we foresaw to be REALLY DIFFICULT. still we studied really hard but no, not only was in difficult, it was bordering on unanswerable. hence, the 4. thing is, i can't blame anyone but myself. not for NOT studying hard because i know i did, but perhaps for not being smart enough or having the capacity to think like our professor (who, in all fairness, is brilliant).

it's an icky, icky feeling. if i were suicidal (and thank goodness i am decidedly NOT), i would've killed myself days ago. this whole summer (actually year), i've been praying and praying for a sign that law was meant for me. then grades come and it seems as though all signs are pointing to one thing: law is not for me. unfortunately, these signs don't come in black or white. just blurry, fuzzy shades of gray. like 4 instead of 5 and all that. i don't want to continue studying to be someone i am not meant to become but at the same time i don't want to leave law school and later on regret it. but what scares me is that if i stay, what if i'm just setting myself up for failure of epic proportions and more heartbreak and disappointment? and if i stay despite everything, that would be tantamount to my condonation and consent to be subjected to a system i am not particularly a fan of. but i also hate the feeling of being in limbo, of not knowing what my next step is, of the future suddenly seeming all the more scary and uncertain, of hating myself and wishing for the nth time that i just wasn't me, of being frustrated with myself, of feeling like a big, fat, ugly failure (i hate that word and i hate it more when i feel that i am one).

i'm really having second (and third and fourth...) thoughts about this whole law school thing. there are so many other things i could be doing. unfortunately, there are also so many things i could accomplish if i ever (forgive my pessimism but knowing me and my stupidity and seemingly endless supply of bad luck) become a lawyer. haayyy.

i hate not knowing what to do. being helpless to alleviate my situation and the situation of others. i really wish i could do something. :(

i'm so so tired. my eyes are all red and puffy. i need my mommy. and hot chocolate. and ice cream. and anything wasabi flavored. and a large dose of self-confidence and self-love which i doubt i will get anytime in the near (or even distant) future. whoopee for me. :s forgive the pessimism. now apparently is not the time for me to get started on myself but unfortunately for me, once i start self-bashing, it takes awhile before i stop. i also recognize that things can be so much worse and that i shouldn't be feeling this bad and depressed because such is life. and yet i don't feel any better.

Labels: dark and twisty, failure, law, life, self-loathing

most of the time i'm a bright and shiny person, to borrow from grey's anatomy. well, more bright and shiny and happy than dark and twisty, that is. however, this is just one of those times wherein i am harboring feelings of darkness and twistiness. and i hate the feeling so allow me to rant for a short while before reverting to my relatively bright and shiny-esque existence.

why is it that when you try to be as fair and impartial as possible, it blows up on your face?
why is it that when you try to be nice and accommodating, people see it as a go-signal to step all over you and abuse your (relative) kindness?
why is it that when you mind your own business, people bother you about something you had absolutely nothing to do with?
why is it that when you try to follow the golden rule, give everyone her (or his) due, try to observe basic courtesy because after all you are a human being, people DO NOT.
and why is it that people disappoint you sometimes? haaayyyy... :(

there's a big, fat and decidedly dead cat outside the house. its body has been decomposing since yesterday. someone probably dumped the body by the street corner since cats who are victims of hit and run accidents usually are found in the middle of the street. that's my hypothesis anyhow. in any case, i'm reminded of this one time i was driving along quezon avenue. a cat was crossing the street and suddenly stopped in front of my car. i stopped for a few minutes thinking to give it time to cross the street since the cats i've encountered lately have a penchant for crossing when cars are running. after waiting for some time, i started the car again thinking the car had already crossed then suddenly i felt the left rear tire go over something that had a really big chance of being that cat crossing the road. it figures that you stop to give it time to cross but you end up running it over anyway. sort of like what's been happening lately. i do something in the hopes that everything will turn out alright but end up causing what i initially sought to avoid to happen. boo.

sorry. 'twas just one of those days when i woke up and it seemed that the world isn't a very nice place. i hope things will be better tomorrow.

Labels: dark and twisty, life

elections are finally over! woohoo! :) ever since noel told me that he had decided to run for USC councilor and asked if i would be his campaign manager, i felt burdened in the sense that i knew it would be as though i myself was running.

it certainly felt that way for the last three weeks. not only was i in constant headless chicken slash dying frog mode due to activities for two organizations celebrating consecutive org weeks, but i also had to contend with acads (what's that? haha, joke lang!), alyansa responsibilities, and my brother's campaign and other incidentals (hahahaha). i feel that i haven't slept in three weeks (probably true). haha.

of course, the past few weeks, i felt that i was going around looking like total and utter trash. in fact it was a big blow to my already low self-esteem when i saw recent pictures of myself. i'm so ugly pala. nope, i'm not fishing. it's a fact. oh well, such is life i guess. :s

election season was fun in a masochistic way. but i'm glad it's over. even gladder most of my "political babies" won. plus my not-so-baby brother bear won as USC Councilor. woohoo! i've realized that i'm most emotional during this time of year. plus i do strange things. plus while i've always know makapal talaga ang mukha ko, the pakapalan reached record highs during the past few days. well worth it, i think.

been also really lucky the past few weeks as i haven't really been called on for recit. really good considering i haven't really been in acad mode lately. talk about pasaway .

finals are a couple of weeks away. time to focus on acads. :s

Labels: Alyansa, campus politics, life, USC elections

first year law student.kid at heart.idealist.optimist (except about myself).hopeless romantic.daydream believer.dreamer.klutz(hehe).


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"I don't care if I never grow up
Don't want to shrink in a suit
Don't want live just to suck someones bones dry
I'd rather die."
- Chris Trapper, Waiting Watching Wishing

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