{waiting watching wishing}

Friday, June 08, 2007

{whattayear... whattaweek... whattaday}

only half the year has gone by and already, i've done some things i've never done before such as:

1. ask a guy on a date (well, just to be my date to the winlaw ball lang naman so no biggie but then this is the girl who got asked to her own prom.)
2. voluntarily go to the beach not even once but TWICE *gasp*
3. get a job (well, actually tis an internship but then work is work)
4. yell at someone in public (just today, definitely NOT my finest moment. i cannot believe i snapped like that. in my defense i was provoked but still, i still had no excuse to act that way)
5. cry in front of a professor (happened today, too. i wanted the ground to open up and swallow me alive or at least die of total and utter mortification)
6. get a 4.0 in a subject (i'm actually SOMEWHAT over it. such is life i guess though it also doesn't diminish the self-loathing. haha)

other bad stuff that happened today:
- i fell down the stairs while leaving yellow cab along katipunan for the whole katipunan passer-by to see
- my really nice scented cologne bottle broke inside my bag thereby soaking my jeans and bag. on a more positive side, at least my jeans and bag smell really good

and to compound things, i've had this headache for an entire week that won't seem to go away, i'm quickly gaining stress-induced pounds (four slices of pizza, anyone?), and i'm an over-all emotional wreck. in my defense, i really want things to be ok with my block so i am doing everything i can. unfortunately, tis just not good enough. it also doesn't help that i actually have no idea what to do and i feel like a big, fat (both literally and figuratively) failure. it also doesn't help when you feel guilty for something you did NOT even do and the reason you feel guilty is that you were actually once in a similar situation and you felt terrible when you were in that person's place.

i want to sleep. and just wake up when the nightmare is over. i emanate stress and sadness which is hazardous to myself and those around me.

Labels: law, life

Posted by arianne at 11:02 PM

Thursday, June 07, 2007

{living a nightmare}

i'm going to pull a lemony snicket and forewarn whoever dares to read this post that he/she should not expect anything light and fluffy from this post.

that being said...

this past week has been like a living nightmare. everything has been one, big, fuzzy, and depressing blur. to make things worse, i've been in headless-chicken mode yet again what with THE PROBLEM, registration, org and barops responsibilities, freshie orientation, etc. i'm not complaining because i actually enjoy volunteering for stuff but admittedly sometimes it just gets sooo tiring, especially with everything going on.

i'm just so so exhausted.

Labels: law, life

Posted by arianne at 11:59 PM

Monday, June 04, 2007

{wallowing}

i passed my usual route going home from up today (i.e., philcoa, circle, quezon avenue, etc.). while i was driving thru the underpass along quezon avenue, i realized one thing: i was driving above 80kph. now, if i were my brother or any other "normal" driver, that would be normal. but i have a "never drive above 50kph" policy (especially after the "race" to majayjay against kevin while driving jorbs's car. haha!). i freak out when i hit 60, so imagine how i would normally feel while driving at 80. then i realized i simply couldn't care less. as i've said, i'm not suicidal so kahit papano there was some semblance of concern (though much of the concern was for the omnipresent jump-out-of-nowhere pedestrian crossing quezon avenue and not much for myself), but admittedly for that split-second i thought to myself that if anything bad happened, i wouldn't care less.

i've been thru this stage before but never because of acads and never to this extent. i've already gone thru my normal stages, i.e., cry my eyes out, tell the whole world and then some, cry my eyes out, run to my mommy, eat all the comfort food in the world, cry my eyes out, call myself stupud at every possible opportunity, and oh, did i mention cry my eyes out? but i don't really feel any better. i just feel worse. and not even just for myself (yes, despite my inherent stupidity i'm not THAT egocentric. hahaha) but more the others who have it worse.

i seriously want to curl up under my blanket, cry my eyes out (i wouldn't mind new eyes. i'm about to give up on mine. haha), and just let my pathetic (non)existence pass me by. if there is anything i hate, it's wallowing in self-pity. or at least wallowing for more than a reasonable period of time. it's normally relatively easy for me to bounce back when the going gets tough but i'm having a particularly hard time right now. it's especially depressing because i can't think of a solution to any of my blockmates'/friends' problems. for the longest time i got used to being the go-to girl. but now that they need all the help and/or advice they can get, i'm drawing a blank. it's heart-breaking that i can't do anything, that i'm powerless to help anyone. i so want to make promises that we'll figure everything out and that everything's going to be ok but i can't because since i don't have any viable solutions, i'd just be lying. :(

haaay. this is thoroughly draining. i remember telling myself at the beginning of the year that if i ever put myself down, i'd fine myself. i wonder how much i owe in self-imposed fines now. probably in immeasurable and unaffordable levels. haha. i was never my own best friend and was always the first to put myself down but in the past, kahit papano, i had some semblance of self-love or at least self-respect.

someone please tell me that everything will be better in the morning, that the world is not actually a big, evil, and unreasonable place...

post script:
saw the final exam today. as a testament to how HARD (and that's an understatement), our prof had to add an additional 15 points and most of us still failed it. and to add insult to injury was the realization that if i had just gotten two (yes TWO, though each answer was worth 4 points each... but still...) more answers correct, i actually would have passed. i really hate myself right now.

Labels: dark and twisty, law

Posted by arianne at 10:45 PM

Sunday, June 03, 2007

{self-loathing and all things dark and twisty}

in my ideal world, hard work counts. i.e., the outcome is always commensurate to the amount of work and effort put in. unfortunately, the gap between my dream world scenario and reality has been magnified by the events of the last few days.

i remember last year right before grad. i was freaking out because i took a higher math class as an elective (yep, stupid me) and being the stupid and pasaway person that i am, i barely studied for and therefore failed the first two exams (though in my defense, it was a math class for math majors and it was HARD). so of course, when the time came for the third (and last exam before finals) came, i was panicking. because if i failed it, i wouldn't even be qualified to take the final exams. to compound the already-wretched situation (though such was admittedly self-inflicted), if i failed that subject, i wouldn't graduate on time. on the other hand, if i did pass it, i'd graduate with honors. so i put everything i had into studying for the third exam. and i'm happy to say all my hard work and effort paid of. i never found out my exact grade but i figured it must've been pretty high because not only did i pass it, i was also exempted from taking the final exam. on the other hand, i get a 4 in a subject where the grade is dependent upon the final exam which we foresaw to be REALLY DIFFICULT. still we studied really hard but no, not only was in difficult, it was bordering on unanswerable. hence, the 4. thing is, i can't blame anyone but myself. not for NOT studying hard because i know i did, but perhaps for not being smart enough or having the capacity to think like our professor (who, in all fairness, is brilliant).

it's an icky, icky feeling. if i were suicidal (and thank goodness i am decidedly NOT), i would've killed myself days ago. this whole summer (actually year), i've been praying and praying for a sign that law was meant for me. then grades come and it seems as though all signs are pointing to one thing: law is not for me. unfortunately, these signs don't come in black or white. just blurry, fuzzy shades of gray. like 4 instead of 5 and all that. i don't want to continue studying to be someone i am not meant to become but at the same time i don't want to leave law school and later on regret it. but what scares me is that if i stay, what if i'm just setting myself up for failure of epic proportions and more heartbreak and disappointment? and if i stay despite everything, that would be tantamount to my condonation and consent to be subjected to a system i am not particularly a fan of. but i also hate the feeling of being in limbo, of not knowing what my next step is, of the future suddenly seeming all the more scary and uncertain, of hating myself and wishing for the nth time that i just wasn't me, of being frustrated with myself, of feeling like a big, fat, ugly failure (i hate that word and i hate it more when i feel that i am one).

i'm really having second (and third and fourth...) thoughts about this whole law school thing. there are so many other things i could be doing. unfortunately, there are also so many things i could accomplish if i ever (forgive my pessimism but knowing me and my stupidity and seemingly endless supply of bad luck) become a lawyer. haayyy.

i hate not knowing what to do. being helpless to alleviate my situation and the situation of others. i really wish i could do something. :(

i'm so so tired. my eyes are all red and puffy. i need my mommy. and hot chocolate. and ice cream. and anything wasabi flavored. and a large dose of self-confidence and self-love which i doubt i will get anytime in the near (or even distant) future. whoopee for me. :s forgive the pessimism. now apparently is not the time for me to get started on myself but unfortunately for me, once i start self-bashing, it takes awhile before i stop. i also recognize that things can be so much worse and that i shouldn't be feeling this bad and depressed because such is life. and yet i don't feel any better.

Labels: dark and twisty, failure, law, life, self-loathing

Posted by arianne at 11:08 PM