in january of last year, i bought salman rushdie's book fury. over the summer (of 2006) i attempted to read it, but barely reached the second chapter as i felt that it was too heavy and dark a summer read (unlike rushdie's haroun and the sea of stories which i "gobbled up" in a few hours). sarah nelson, in her book so many books, so little time, wrote that sometimes you don't choose the book, but rather the book chooses you. the other day as i was going thru my clutter stuff, i came across the book and the title caught my eye. for some reason felt an odd instant affinity towards it (if one can feel affinity towards books), it was as though it had chosen me. i then began to read it.

and at this point in time, i think fury is the book most apposite to my situation.

i haven't finished it yet (gasp) but professor malik solanka's exploration of personal demons (AKA furies) in post 9-11 new york city both intriguing and appalling. rushdie wrote the book in such a way as to depict NYC as a city in the brink of unleashing fury in a large-scale with its inhabitants being consumed by their own personal furies (excessive alcoholism and the like). in a sense, NYC in solanka's world is a MACROcosm of all the darkness, confusion, and, well, fury within ready to explode at a drop of a pin (or at the crashing of planes, it seems). [obiter: i recommend this book, though not if you're looking for a light and fluffy, warm and fuzzy, bright and shiny read]

i seem to be living in my own solanka-esque world, ready to explode at any given moment. the past few months i've felt that i've been riding one big emotional rollercoaster. i've heretofore been a firm believer in nietzsche's "that which does not kill me makes me stronger" but somehow, while obviously the goings-on have failed to kill me (sayang! haha, joke lang. i REALLY am not suicidal nor do i have a death wish), i am highly doubtful that the EXPERIENCE or rather, aggregate experiences have strengthened me in any which way. instead of believing a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel is inevitable, i find myself growing more pessimistic as the days go by and even resigning myself to a lifetime of mediocrity, if not failure. AND I LOATHE, HATE, DESPISE FEELING THIS WAY.

i find myself alternating between giddiness, depression, self-loathing, depression, normalcy, and even more depression. i've been inexplicably angry and depressed lately. it doesn't help that my academic performance is, as per usual, sub-par, my sleep patterns (as well as eating patterns) have gone haywire, and when i wake up in the morning, the world in general somehow doesn't seem to be a very nice place to live in. it's not that i'm angry at the world or anything of that sort. i've realized that more than anything, i'm angry at, well, me.

case in point, despite my propensity towards lazy piggishness, i actually do study. but somehow i've managed to blunder recit after recit, quiz after quiz, test after test. it doesn't held that it seems that the universe has conspired to make me fail no matter what (forgive the excessive pessimism, i'm actually just waxing poetic or being overly dramatic. i have a strong feeling it's the latter). take recits, for example. it seems to me that i ONLY get called for recit towards the end of the semester when the topics get more complex, if not complicated OR if i do get called beforehand, it's usually when the topic is relatively harder. i'm not blaming anyone but my bad luck given that recit cards are chosen at random but it does get frustrating and even depressing especially when you notice those around getting called on when the topic is easy and you could actually give a decent answer. same goes with quizzes and tests. i always study for them. i'm OC in that way but i always seem to miss a blatantly obvious and important point. something which i usually can answer post hoc but being the stupid girl that i am, failed to write WHILE taking the quiz. last saturday's torts midterms is a glaring example. i KNOW the answers. what's worse, while taking the exam i KNEW the answers but being myself, i wrote down something else. and that's 9 points subtracted just like that (not counting everything else i got wrong. haaayyyy) i like to look at all these as learning experiences from which i can grow but then this overwhelming nagging feelings keeps coming back and telling me that i'm setting myself up for even greater failure and disappointment. i mean if i ever do graduate, i can guarantee that i will study the best i can for the bar exams. but then even studying hard apparently doesn't amount to anything. :(

i'm not even grade-conscious in the "i compute my average" sense of the word. but sometimes, just sometimes i wish that the result would be commensurate to the work and effort put in. in my world, hard work always pays off. apparently in the real world, it doesn't.

i really hope to get rid of this fury, anger, resentment, and frustration soon. but sadly, even as regards my aforementioned hope, i'm pessimistic. haaayyy :(

Labels: books, dark and twisty, fury, law rants, nothing and everything

i passed my usual route going home from up today (i.e., philcoa, circle, quezon avenue, etc.). while i was driving thru the underpass along quezon avenue, i realized one thing: i was driving above 80kph. now, if i were my brother or any other "normal" driver, that would be normal. but i have a "never drive above 50kph" policy (especially after the "race" to majayjay against kevin while driving jorbs's car. haha!). i freak out when i hit 60, so imagine how i would normally feel while driving at 80. then i realized i simply couldn't care less. as i've said, i'm not suicidal so kahit papano there was some semblance of concern (though much of the concern was for the omnipresent jump-out-of-nowhere pedestrian crossing quezon avenue and not much for myself), but admittedly for that split-second i thought to myself that if anything bad happened, i wouldn't care less.

i've been thru this stage before but never because of acads and never to this extent. i've already gone thru my normal stages, i.e., cry my eyes out, tell the whole world and then some, cry my eyes out, run to my mommy, eat all the comfort food in the world, cry my eyes out, call myself stupud at every possible opportunity, and oh, did i mention cry my eyes out? but i don't really feel any better. i just feel worse. and not even just for myself (yes, despite my inherent stupidity i'm not THAT egocentric. hahaha) but more the others who have it worse.

i seriously want to curl up under my blanket, cry my eyes out (i wouldn't mind new eyes. i'm about to give up on mine. haha), and just let my pathetic (non)existence pass me by. if there is anything i hate, it's wallowing in self-pity. or at least wallowing for more than a reasonable period of time. it's normally relatively easy for me to bounce back when the going gets tough but i'm having a particularly hard time right now. it's especially depressing because i can't think of a solution to any of my blockmates'/friends' problems. for the longest time i got used to being the go-to girl. but now that they need all the help and/or advice they can get, i'm drawing a blank. it's heart-breaking that i can't do anything, that i'm powerless to help anyone. i so want to make promises that we'll figure everything out and that everything's going to be ok but i can't because since i don't have any viable solutions, i'd just be lying. :(

haaay. this is thoroughly draining. i remember telling myself at the beginning of the year that if i ever put myself down, i'd fine myself. i wonder how much i owe in self-imposed fines now. probably in immeasurable and unaffordable levels. haha. i was never my own best friend and was always the first to put myself down but in the past, kahit papano, i had some semblance of self-love or at least self-respect.

someone please tell me that everything will be better in the morning, that the world is not actually a big, evil, and unreasonable place...

post script:
saw the final exam today. as a testament to how HARD (and that's an understatement), our prof had to add an additional 15 points and most of us still failed it. and to add insult to injury was the realization that if i had just gotten two (yes TWO, though each answer was worth 4 points each... but still...) more answers correct, i actually would have passed. i really hate myself right now.

Labels: dark and twisty, law

in my ideal world, hard work counts. i.e., the outcome is always commensurate to the amount of work and effort put in. unfortunately, the gap between my dream world scenario and reality has been magnified by the events of the last few days.

i remember last year right before grad. i was freaking out because i took a higher math class as an elective (yep, stupid me) and being the stupid and pasaway person that i am, i barely studied for and therefore failed the first two exams (though in my defense, it was a math class for math majors and it was HARD). so of course, when the time came for the third (and last exam before finals) came, i was panicking. because if i failed it, i wouldn't even be qualified to take the final exams. to compound the already-wretched situation (though such was admittedly self-inflicted), if i failed that subject, i wouldn't graduate on time. on the other hand, if i did pass it, i'd graduate with honors. so i put everything i had into studying for the third exam. and i'm happy to say all my hard work and effort paid of. i never found out my exact grade but i figured it must've been pretty high because not only did i pass it, i was also exempted from taking the final exam. on the other hand, i get a 4 in a subject where the grade is dependent upon the final exam which we foresaw to be REALLY DIFFICULT. still we studied really hard but no, not only was in difficult, it was bordering on unanswerable. hence, the 4. thing is, i can't blame anyone but myself. not for NOT studying hard because i know i did, but perhaps for not being smart enough or having the capacity to think like our professor (who, in all fairness, is brilliant).

it's an icky, icky feeling. if i were suicidal (and thank goodness i am decidedly NOT), i would've killed myself days ago. this whole summer (actually year), i've been praying and praying for a sign that law was meant for me. then grades come and it seems as though all signs are pointing to one thing: law is not for me. unfortunately, these signs don't come in black or white. just blurry, fuzzy shades of gray. like 4 instead of 5 and all that. i don't want to continue studying to be someone i am not meant to become but at the same time i don't want to leave law school and later on regret it. but what scares me is that if i stay, what if i'm just setting myself up for failure of epic proportions and more heartbreak and disappointment? and if i stay despite everything, that would be tantamount to my condonation and consent to be subjected to a system i am not particularly a fan of. but i also hate the feeling of being in limbo, of not knowing what my next step is, of the future suddenly seeming all the more scary and uncertain, of hating myself and wishing for the nth time that i just wasn't me, of being frustrated with myself, of feeling like a big, fat, ugly failure (i hate that word and i hate it more when i feel that i am one).

i'm really having second (and third and fourth...) thoughts about this whole law school thing. there are so many other things i could be doing. unfortunately, there are also so many things i could accomplish if i ever (forgive my pessimism but knowing me and my stupidity and seemingly endless supply of bad luck) become a lawyer. haayyy.

i hate not knowing what to do. being helpless to alleviate my situation and the situation of others. i really wish i could do something. :(

i'm so so tired. my eyes are all red and puffy. i need my mommy. and hot chocolate. and ice cream. and anything wasabi flavored. and a large dose of self-confidence and self-love which i doubt i will get anytime in the near (or even distant) future. whoopee for me. :s forgive the pessimism. now apparently is not the time for me to get started on myself but unfortunately for me, once i start self-bashing, it takes awhile before i stop. i also recognize that things can be so much worse and that i shouldn't be feeling this bad and depressed because such is life. and yet i don't feel any better.

Labels: dark and twisty, failure, law, life, self-loathing

most of the time i'm a bright and shiny person, to borrow from grey's anatomy. well, more bright and shiny and happy than dark and twisty, that is. however, this is just one of those times wherein i am harboring feelings of darkness and twistiness. and i hate the feeling so allow me to rant for a short while before reverting to my relatively bright and shiny-esque existence.

why is it that when you try to be as fair and impartial as possible, it blows up on your face?
why is it that when you try to be nice and accommodating, people see it as a go-signal to step all over you and abuse your (relative) kindness?
why is it that when you mind your own business, people bother you about something you had absolutely nothing to do with?
why is it that when you try to follow the golden rule, give everyone her (or his) due, try to observe basic courtesy because after all you are a human being, people DO NOT.
and why is it that people disappoint you sometimes? haaayyyy... :(

there's a big, fat and decidedly dead cat outside the house. its body has been decomposing since yesterday. someone probably dumped the body by the street corner since cats who are victims of hit and run accidents usually are found in the middle of the street. that's my hypothesis anyhow. in any case, i'm reminded of this one time i was driving along quezon avenue. a cat was crossing the street and suddenly stopped in front of my car. i stopped for a few minutes thinking to give it time to cross the street since the cats i've encountered lately have a penchant for crossing when cars are running. after waiting for some time, i started the car again thinking the car had already crossed then suddenly i felt the left rear tire go over something that had a really big chance of being that cat crossing the road. it figures that you stop to give it time to cross but you end up running it over anyway. sort of like what's been happening lately. i do something in the hopes that everything will turn out alright but end up causing what i initially sought to avoid to happen. boo.

sorry. 'twas just one of those days when i woke up and it seemed that the world isn't a very nice place. i hope things will be better tomorrow.

Labels: dark and twisty, life

first year law student.kid at heart.idealist.optimist (except about myself).hopeless romantic.daydream believer.dreamer.klutz(hehe).


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