in january of last year, i bought salman rushdie's book fury. over the summer (of 2006) i attempted to read it, but barely reached the second chapter as i felt that it was too heavy and dark a summer read (unlike rushdie's haroun and the sea of stories which i "gobbled up" in a few hours). sarah nelson, in her book so many books, so little time, wrote that sometimes you don't choose the book, but rather the book chooses you. the other day as i was going thru my clutter stuff, i came across the book and the title caught my eye. for some reason felt an odd instant affinity towards it (if one can feel affinity towards books), it was as though it had chosen me. i then began to read it.

and at this point in time, i think fury is the book most apposite to my situation.

i haven't finished it yet (gasp) but professor malik solanka's exploration of personal demons (AKA furies) in post 9-11 new york city both intriguing and appalling. rushdie wrote the book in such a way as to depict NYC as a city in the brink of unleashing fury in a large-scale with its inhabitants being consumed by their own personal furies (excessive alcoholism and the like). in a sense, NYC in solanka's world is a MACROcosm of all the darkness, confusion, and, well, fury within ready to explode at a drop of a pin (or at the crashing of planes, it seems). [obiter: i recommend this book, though not if you're looking for a light and fluffy, warm and fuzzy, bright and shiny read]

i seem to be living in my own solanka-esque world, ready to explode at any given moment. the past few months i've felt that i've been riding one big emotional rollercoaster. i've heretofore been a firm believer in nietzsche's "that which does not kill me makes me stronger" but somehow, while obviously the goings-on have failed to kill me (sayang! haha, joke lang. i REALLY am not suicidal nor do i have a death wish), i am highly doubtful that the EXPERIENCE or rather, aggregate experiences have strengthened me in any which way. instead of believing a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel is inevitable, i find myself growing more pessimistic as the days go by and even resigning myself to a lifetime of mediocrity, if not failure. AND I LOATHE, HATE, DESPISE FEELING THIS WAY.

i find myself alternating between giddiness, depression, self-loathing, depression, normalcy, and even more depression. i've been inexplicably angry and depressed lately. it doesn't help that my academic performance is, as per usual, sub-par, my sleep patterns (as well as eating patterns) have gone haywire, and when i wake up in the morning, the world in general somehow doesn't seem to be a very nice place to live in. it's not that i'm angry at the world or anything of that sort. i've realized that more than anything, i'm angry at, well, me.

case in point, despite my propensity towards lazy piggishness, i actually do study. but somehow i've managed to blunder recit after recit, quiz after quiz, test after test. it doesn't held that it seems that the universe has conspired to make me fail no matter what (forgive the excessive pessimism, i'm actually just waxing poetic or being overly dramatic. i have a strong feeling it's the latter). take recits, for example. it seems to me that i ONLY get called for recit towards the end of the semester when the topics get more complex, if not complicated OR if i do get called beforehand, it's usually when the topic is relatively harder. i'm not blaming anyone but my bad luck given that recit cards are chosen at random but it does get frustrating and even depressing especially when you notice those around getting called on when the topic is easy and you could actually give a decent answer. same goes with quizzes and tests. i always study for them. i'm OC in that way but i always seem to miss a blatantly obvious and important point. something which i usually can answer post hoc but being the stupid girl that i am, failed to write WHILE taking the quiz. last saturday's torts midterms is a glaring example. i KNOW the answers. what's worse, while taking the exam i KNEW the answers but being myself, i wrote down something else. and that's 9 points subtracted just like that (not counting everything else i got wrong. haaayyyy) i like to look at all these as learning experiences from which i can grow but then this overwhelming nagging feelings keeps coming back and telling me that i'm setting myself up for even greater failure and disappointment. i mean if i ever do graduate, i can guarantee that i will study the best i can for the bar exams. but then even studying hard apparently doesn't amount to anything. :(

i'm not even grade-conscious in the "i compute my average" sense of the word. but sometimes, just sometimes i wish that the result would be commensurate to the work and effort put in. in my world, hard work always pays off. apparently in the real world, it doesn't.

i really hope to get rid of this fury, anger, resentment, and frustration soon. but sadly, even as regards my aforementioned hope, i'm pessimistic. haaayyy :(

Labels: books, dark and twisty, fury, law rants, nothing and everything

when i was in grade school or high school i attempted to organize my books by creating a database with MS Access. my ultimate goal was to come up with a system wherein i could locate my books by typing the title or author and then the shelf wherein it is located would be displayed.

Unfortunately, the computer wherein my file was stored crashed and i, being the lazy person that i am, oh-so-conveniently forgot to make a back-up copy. i never quite got to reconstructing my book database the reasons being: 1. i'm a lazy pig, 2. i'm a slob and it's virtually impossible for me to come up with a relatively organized system, 3. i thought i could do it manually (i actually bought a book journal. it's essentially a journal that allows you to keep track of books borrowed/lent, favorite books and passages, books to read) but one year hence it's still practically empty.

luckily, i discovered a site that allows you to easily catalog your books online. it's pretty simple (for lazy people like yours truly) as it allows you to type the book title or its author and then a selection from amazon, loc, etc. comes out and you just click on the book you own. i have yet to make an comrehensive inventory of my books but this is a start. when i actually get to organizing them, i'll figure out a shelving system (in like, 500 years or so. hahaha).

this is my book catalog. it's incomplete as i'm too lazy to actually make a list but i've got to start somewhere, right? :) Next goal is to catalogue my brothers' book collections then on to my sisters' and parents'. good luck to me. our house is essentially one giant bookshelf pretending to be a house what with the endless clutter and books all over the place (we're a family of bookworms and packrats. to think i hate worms and rats. hahaha :s). give me the next century maybe by some miracle i'll actually accomplish that. oh well, wishful thinking. hehehe! :D

my next goal is to read at least one non-law book a week. i resolved to do so last weekend when i realized that i had bought 6 books in the span of 2 weeks. of those 6, i've only finished 2 (including harry potter 7!). that's a pretty bad record considering i have accumulated piles of books waiting to be read from college, possibly even high school which up to this point i haven't even started on. besides, i need some leisure reading. been feeling down and frankly even quite batty lately as i've been pretty engrossed in all things law school.

or better yet, maybe i should spend ALL my time studying, get high grades (yeah, right), become a lawyer, make tons of money, retire at, say, 30, and spend the rest of my life reading. hahaha. i wish.

unfortunately, i'm still iffy about the whole law school thing. the only thing i'm quite certain of is that if by some miracle i survive law school, the bar, and become a lawyer i don't think i'm going to get rich what with my lack of interest in the more-lucrative fields of law. so yeah, back to my one book a week goal.

Labels: books, law school, nothing and everything, pasaway mode

spent part of this afternoon reminiscing with some of my blockmates about books we read as kids/teens.
here's a list of some of the series i read and collected:

sweet valley kids (i still remember, my first-ever pocket book was book #13 of the SVK series, my sister's gift to me for my 6th or 7th birthday)
sweet valley twins
the unicorn club
sweet valley high
sweet valley senior year
sweet valley university

nancy drew notebooks
nancy drew (including the old, hardbound ones though i read these selectively as they were my mom's and hence quite old, musty and scary-looking for me, at least, given my fear/aversion of old books)
nancy drew files (including the nancy drew and hardy boys super mysteries)
nancy drew on campus

the gymnasts (inherited from my sister)

the baby-sitters club (including the portrait collection, super specials, i remember i even had the guide to baby-sitting, not that i ever did baby-it in my life..hehe)
baby-sitter's little sister

clueless (i have ALL the books based on the movie and the series)

love stories (including the special editions... in high school my friend and i memorized ALL the book numbers and their corresponding titles and authors)

buffy the vampire slayer (based on the tv series, including angel, willow and xander files)

dawson's creek (based on the tv series)

the year i turned sixteen

the heart collection (forgot the exact series title. basta heart of courage, gold, etc. are the titles)

@cafe

anne of green gables series (i adore LM Montgomery's works)
emily of new moon series (ditto)

asterix (j'adore asterix! and obelix, too!)

enchanted wood series (i love love love enid blyton's works!)
magic faraway chair series (oops, there's only two of them pala. hehe)

harry potter (started reading in high school)

series of unfortunate events (though i stopped i think after book 7 when i realized that the plot was all too predictable)


compare the aforecited with what is currently eating up precious shelf-space:

codals

commentaries

cases

books on civil society, politics, and governance (not that i am complaining)

is there NOT a marked difference? :s

i've always been a voracious reader and particular enjoy reading what i consider to be "light and fluffy" books. happy times spent happily reading fluff, being transported to another, more magical world.

now, i read to survive lest i have my head chopped off (figuratively, at least) during recit. though i must admit that i sometimes am pasaway and read non-law related material to maintain my already precarious sanity (or lack thereof). hahaha. :p


i just wish i had more time to linger and revel in carefree-ness (albeit of the selfish sort).

now, back to my codals... :s

Labels: books, law rants, life in general

i finished harry potter and the deathly hollows yesterday. i've always been a relatively fast reader but i purposely paced myself while reading this particular book in order to prolong the inevitable-- the end of the harry potter series.

i actually wanted to cry while reading the first chapter because i remembered that when i first read harry potter and the sorceror's stone in first year high school, he had just turned 11. in book 7, he was about to turn 17. it's like i grew up with harry, ron, hermione et al. while i've never been a die-hard fan in the dress up as a wizard, wield a wand sense (hehe, i just saw members of hogwarts philippines on tv dressed up in complete wizarding gear... cool, actually), i've been one of those who religiously followed the harry potter series and eagerly anticipated every new release (though i can't say the same re the movies).

in all fairness, i felt that the ending was sufficiently satisfying (for me, at least).

but all good things have to end sometime, i guess.

it's truly the end of an era.

i wonder what they'll think of next.

Labels: books, harry potter

first year law student.kid at heart.idealist.optimist (except about myself).hopeless romantic.daydream believer.dreamer.klutz(hehe).


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