i passed my usual route going home from up today (i.e., philcoa, circle, quezon avenue, etc.). while i was driving thru the underpass along quezon avenue, i realized one thing: i was driving above 80kph. now, if i were my brother or any other "normal" driver, that would be normal. but i have a "never drive above 50kph" policy (especially after the "race" to majayjay against kevin while driving jorbs's car. haha!). i freak out when i hit 60, so imagine how i would normally feel while driving at 80. then i realized i simply couldn't care less. as i've said, i'm not suicidal so kahit papano there was some semblance of concern (though much of the concern was for the omnipresent jump-out-of-nowhere pedestrian crossing quezon avenue and not much for myself), but admittedly for that split-second i thought to myself that if anything bad happened, i wouldn't care less.

i've been thru this stage before but never because of acads and never to this extent. i've already gone thru my normal stages, i.e., cry my eyes out, tell the whole world and then some, cry my eyes out, run to my mommy, eat all the comfort food in the world, cry my eyes out, call myself stupud at every possible opportunity, and oh, did i mention cry my eyes out? but i don't really feel any better. i just feel worse. and not even just for myself (yes, despite my inherent stupidity i'm not THAT egocentric. hahaha) but more the others who have it worse.

i seriously want to curl up under my blanket, cry my eyes out (i wouldn't mind new eyes. i'm about to give up on mine. haha), and just let my pathetic (non)existence pass me by. if there is anything i hate, it's wallowing in self-pity. or at least wallowing for more than a reasonable period of time. it's normally relatively easy for me to bounce back when the going gets tough but i'm having a particularly hard time right now. it's especially depressing because i can't think of a solution to any of my blockmates'/friends' problems. for the longest time i got used to being the go-to girl. but now that they need all the help and/or advice they can get, i'm drawing a blank. it's heart-breaking that i can't do anything, that i'm powerless to help anyone. i so want to make promises that we'll figure everything out and that everything's going to be ok but i can't because since i don't have any viable solutions, i'd just be lying. :(

haaay. this is thoroughly draining. i remember telling myself at the beginning of the year that if i ever put myself down, i'd fine myself. i wonder how much i owe in self-imposed fines now. probably in immeasurable and unaffordable levels. haha. i was never my own best friend and was always the first to put myself down but in the past, kahit papano, i had some semblance of self-love or at least self-respect.

someone please tell me that everything will be better in the morning, that the world is not actually a big, evil, and unreasonable place...

post script:
saw the final exam today. as a testament to how HARD (and that's an understatement), our prof had to add an additional 15 points and most of us still failed it. and to add insult to injury was the realization that if i had just gotten two (yes TWO, though each answer was worth 4 points each... but still...) more answers correct, i actually would have passed. i really hate myself right now.

Labels: dark and twisty, law

first year law student.kid at heart.idealist.optimist (except about myself).hopeless romantic.daydream believer.dreamer.klutz(hehe).


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"I don't care if I never grow up
Don't want to shrink in a suit
Don't want live just to suck someones bones dry
I'd rather die."
- Chris Trapper, Waiting Watching Wishing

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