in my ideal world, hard work counts. i.e., the outcome is always commensurate to the amount of work and effort put in. unfortunately, the gap between my dream world scenario and reality has been magnified by the events of the last few days.

i remember last year right before grad. i was freaking out because i took a higher math class as an elective (yep, stupid me) and being the stupid and pasaway person that i am, i barely studied for and therefore failed the first two exams (though in my defense, it was a math class for math majors and it was HARD). so of course, when the time came for the third (and last exam before finals) came, i was panicking. because if i failed it, i wouldn't even be qualified to take the final exams. to compound the already-wretched situation (though such was admittedly self-inflicted), if i failed that subject, i wouldn't graduate on time. on the other hand, if i did pass it, i'd graduate with honors. so i put everything i had into studying for the third exam. and i'm happy to say all my hard work and effort paid of. i never found out my exact grade but i figured it must've been pretty high because not only did i pass it, i was also exempted from taking the final exam. on the other hand, i get a 4 in a subject where the grade is dependent upon the final exam which we foresaw to be REALLY DIFFICULT. still we studied really hard but no, not only was in difficult, it was bordering on unanswerable. hence, the 4. thing is, i can't blame anyone but myself. not for NOT studying hard because i know i did, but perhaps for not being smart enough or having the capacity to think like our professor (who, in all fairness, is brilliant).

it's an icky, icky feeling. if i were suicidal (and thank goodness i am decidedly NOT), i would've killed myself days ago. this whole summer (actually year), i've been praying and praying for a sign that law was meant for me. then grades come and it seems as though all signs are pointing to one thing: law is not for me. unfortunately, these signs don't come in black or white. just blurry, fuzzy shades of gray. like 4 instead of 5 and all that. i don't want to continue studying to be someone i am not meant to become but at the same time i don't want to leave law school and later on regret it. but what scares me is that if i stay, what if i'm just setting myself up for failure of epic proportions and more heartbreak and disappointment? and if i stay despite everything, that would be tantamount to my condonation and consent to be subjected to a system i am not particularly a fan of. but i also hate the feeling of being in limbo, of not knowing what my next step is, of the future suddenly seeming all the more scary and uncertain, of hating myself and wishing for the nth time that i just wasn't me, of being frustrated with myself, of feeling like a big, fat, ugly failure (i hate that word and i hate it more when i feel that i am one).

i'm really having second (and third and fourth...) thoughts about this whole law school thing. there are so many other things i could be doing. unfortunately, there are also so many things i could accomplish if i ever (forgive my pessimism but knowing me and my stupidity and seemingly endless supply of bad luck) become a lawyer. haayyy.

i hate not knowing what to do. being helpless to alleviate my situation and the situation of others. i really wish i could do something. :(

i'm so so tired. my eyes are all red and puffy. i need my mommy. and hot chocolate. and ice cream. and anything wasabi flavored. and a large dose of self-confidence and self-love which i doubt i will get anytime in the near (or even distant) future. whoopee for me. :s forgive the pessimism. now apparently is not the time for me to get started on myself but unfortunately for me, once i start self-bashing, it takes awhile before i stop. i also recognize that things can be so much worse and that i shouldn't be feeling this bad and depressed because such is life. and yet i don't feel any better.

Labels: dark and twisty, failure, law, life, self-loathing

first year law student.kid at heart.idealist.optimist (except about myself).hopeless romantic.daydream believer.dreamer.klutz(hehe).


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"I don't care if I never grow up
Don't want to shrink in a suit
Don't want live just to suck someones bones dry
I'd rather die."
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