{waiting watching wishing}

Monday, August 13, 2007

{fury}

in january of last year, i bought salman rushdie's book fury. over the summer (of 2006) i attempted to read it, but barely reached the second chapter as i felt that it was too heavy and dark a summer read (unlike rushdie's haroun and the sea of stories which i "gobbled up" in a few hours). sarah nelson, in her book so many books, so little time, wrote that sometimes you don't choose the book, but rather the book chooses you. the other day as i was going thru my ~~clutter~~ stuff, i came across the book and the title caught my eye. for some reason felt an odd instant affinity towards it (if one can feel affinity towards books), it was as though it had chosen me. i then began to read it.

and at this point in time, i think fury is the book most apposite to my situation.

i haven't finished it yet (gasp) but professor malik solanka's exploration of personal demons (AKA furies) in post 9-11 new york city both intriguing and appalling. rushdie wrote the book in such a way as to depict NYC as a city in the brink of unleashing fury in a large-scale with its inhabitants being consumed by their own personal furies (excessive alcoholism and the like). in a sense, NYC in solanka's world is a MACROcosm of all the darkness, confusion, and, well, fury within ready to explode at a drop of a pin (or at the crashing of planes, it seems). [obiter: i recommend this book, though not if you're looking for a light and fluffy, warm and fuzzy, bright and shiny read]

i seem to be living in my own solanka-esque world, ready to explode at any given moment. the past few months i've felt that i've been riding one big emotional rollercoaster. i've heretofore been a firm believer in nietzsche's "that which does not kill me makes me stronger" but somehow, while obviously the goings-on have failed to kill me (sayang! haha, joke lang. i REALLY am not suicidal nor do i have a death wish), i am highly doubtful that the EXPERIENCE or rather, aggregate experiences have strengthened me in any which way. instead of believing a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel is inevitable, i find myself growing more pessimistic as the days go by and even resigning myself to a lifetime of mediocrity, if not failure. AND I LOATHE, HATE, DESPISE FEELING THIS WAY.

i find myself alternating between giddiness, depression, self-loathing, depression, normalcy, and even more depression. i've been inexplicably angry and depressed lately. it doesn't help that my academic performance is, as per usual, sub-par, my sleep patterns (as well as eating patterns) have gone haywire, and when i wake up in the morning, the world in general somehow doesn't seem to be a very nice place to live in. it's not that i'm angry at the world or anything of that sort. i've realized that more than anything, i'm angry at, well, me.

case in point, despite my propensity towards lazy piggishness, i actually do study. but somehow i've managed to blunder recit after recit, quiz after quiz, test after test. it doesn't held that it seems that the universe has conspired to make me fail no matter what (forgive the excessive pessimism, i'm actually just waxing poetic or being overly dramatic. i have a strong feeling it's the latter). take recits, for example. it seems to me that i ONLY get called for recit towards the end of the semester when the topics get more complex, if not complicated OR if i do get called beforehand, it's usually when the topic is relatively harder. i'm not blaming anyone but my bad luck given that recit cards are chosen at random but it does get frustrating and even depressing especially when you notice those around getting called on when the topic is easy and you could actually give a decent answer. same goes with quizzes and tests. i always study for them. i'm OC in that way but i always seem to miss a blatantly obvious and important point. something which i usually can answer post hoc but being the stupid girl that i am, failed to write WHILE taking the quiz. last saturday's torts midterms is a glaring example. i KNOW the answers. what's worse, while taking the exam i KNEW the answers but being myself, i wrote down something else. and that's 9 points subtracted just like that (not counting everything else i got wrong. haaayyyy) i like to look at all these as learning experiences from which i can grow but then this overwhelming nagging feelings keeps coming back and telling me that i'm setting myself up for even greater failure and disappointment. i mean if i ever do graduate, i can guarantee that i will study the best i can for the bar exams. but then even studying hard apparently doesn't amount to anything. :(

i'm not even grade-conscious in the "i compute my average" sense of the word. but sometimes, just sometimes i wish that the result would be commensurate to the work and effort put in. in my world, hard work always pays off. apparently in the real world, it doesn't.

i really hope to get rid of this fury, anger, resentment, and frustration soon. but sadly, even as regards my aforementioned hope, i'm pessimistic. haaayyy :(

Labels: books, dark and twisty, fury, law rants, nothing and everything

Posted by arianne at 10:19 PM